2 negative scenario of separation and their characteristics

2 negative scenario of separation and their characteristics

We are not taught how to break up – no one ever. Song said : “the Breakup is a bad omen, you will never see me again”. If not: “Parting – the little death” and “good bye!”. Directly shudder! A film so simply speculates on the theme of separation. What? Always tragic, spectacular. A full house of spectators, broken sobs popcorn provided.

Many psychological trainings promise to reveal “classified” information: “How to build relations?” And wonder, as humanity, to this generation is not the past this course has not yet died out. However, “relationship” trainings for women and men to various interpretations.

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Female audience learn: “How to take it to the Registrar’s office so that the road did not run away”, “How to quickly and easily marry the man of her dreams”, “How to marry the young, beautiful, intelligent, wealthy Muscovite, if you’re stupid, uneducated spinster residing in Upper Graseweg” and so on. But men are trained: “How to have sex with her on the first date”, “How to seduce, without spending a penny”. Imagine what would happen if you meet two of the graduate courses? You can sell tickets in the first row and bet!

But about the breakup in such training sessions it is not. Except in distorted and obviously wrong form: “Girls, let’s tell each other your ex and decide which of them goslee,” “Boys, our former bitches spoiled us so much blood that we can now all. Let yourself spoil the blood of our new bitch”.

In modern society there is a healthy model of relationship completion. She’s forgotten. We don’t know how to do it. And separation often takes place under two scenarios:

SCENARIO 1. JAM

Often occurs when and in relationship to back and complete them fully is not obtained. So, after the official divorce, spouses may unconsciously feel still married. If passively drift, then wait for a magical change and all life.

Psychological incompleteness of the relationship with the previous partner does not give the opportunity to build a new Union. We communicate not only verbal, in any conversation going on and unconscious dialogue between the two unconscious. And your unconscious tells the new friend: “I already Have a relationship, I’m not ready(a) to new”. Even if it aloud you to share what “has been three years since the divorce.”

Signs of being stuck:

  • “Stuck” is often mentioned in conversations of the former partner. No matter in positive or negative context. This can be a lengthy story (“Let me again tell you how we with Mary five years ago, I went to ski”) or mention in passing (“I love coffee, but Mary drank only tea”). The important thing is that “Mary” continues to be present in his inner world, therefore, is popping up in conversations like a Jack-in-the-box.
  • Dreams is an important part of our subjective reality. If “former” is a frequent visitor in your dreams, so in the inner world he is a permanent resident.
  • “Stuck” constantly comparing your new partner with the previous one, even in favor of the new: “You’re so delicious, but my ex-wife even scrambled eggs would burn”. In fact, this “stud” addressed to his ex-wife: “stuck” unconsciously wants next to him now was her and that crap myself heard. So if the new boyfriend whitewashes you and blackens your previous love, it is a cause not for pride, but for panic.
  • Also “stuck” can see the similarity of the new partner with the previous one, even if objectively this similarity there. This is called the mechanism of “projection”: on a new lover projected the image of the old. “You’re just like my ex-wife like chocolate” – thoughtfully he says. “Wait, I don’t like chocolate…” – trying to parry it. “That’s it, you’re just like it – also love to argue!” – sounds categorical summary.
  • Search meetings under any pretext. He “stuck” may sincerely believe in the truthfulness of the excuse, “I just want to show her ex-husband, my new little red number!”
  • The house still kept things a previous partner, placed his photographs. “Stuck” does not dare to remove them. And that means that the partner is invisibly continues to be here. It is an unconscious denial of the fact of separation.
  • This mechanism is similar to the careful preservation of all gifts: they are stored as exhibits in the Museum, with awe and love. So, the relationship is given a supervaluation.
  • Former partners forget, and then and specifically leave each other your personal belongings. And then to the denial of the separation is added to desire new relationships. Partners again like “tie laces”. For example, an ex-husband who is already remarried, keeps the house first wife dressing gown and Slippers. He comes to visit the child, and “it is convenient”: it’s changing, playing with baby, watching TV. And it is supposedly called “civilized relations”. In fact he lives for two families, and ex-wife are unlikely to create a new Union – she plays the role of “the eldest wife in the harem.”
  • And of course, a strong sign of jamming – reservation when a new partner is called the previous. So, it sees it’s next to a “dogovorimsya”. This usually occurs in an altered state of consciousness when weakened overcontrol: after a dream or a glass of wine in bed.
  • Sometimes “stuck” begins to speak about the relationship in the present tense, not the past. This means that he lives in the past, not the present. The past has replaced it now. Often sounds “my husband” instead of “ex-husband” and so on. At first, especially if the breakup was unexpected, it is natural. For example, in the case of sudden death of a loved one. But there comes a time and tragedy have to admit, no matter how painful it may be. After all, denying the present, man deprives himself of the future.
  • There are times when, regardless of the time gap name of the once beloved person to call your child. So it is expensive now. Moreover, this unconscious desire to have a child from him.
  • “Stuck” always talking about your ex emotionally. No matter it’s positive or negative emotions. It is important that they support an inner glow. While emotions are not experienced, to end the relationship impossible. Otherwise, it is an attempt to collect the flowers by planting the seeds and not caring for the plant.

SCENARIO 2. THE CUTOFF RELATIONS

Sharp break, the negation of everything good that happened in the relationship (and it was, otherwise they would not lasted a day). Thus there is a certain demonization of the partner: he turns into the Loch ness monster, which no one saw, but everyone knows what it is and what it is incredibly awful. Behind this protective psychological mechanism – depreciation. Many people think that if the partner is impaired, the gap is easier. In fact, it is a relief illusion. Trying to hide your head in the sand does not solve the problem, giving false security.

Abrupt cessation of contact makes it impossible to complete it properly. In outer space, the contact may be interrupted for a moment, but in the inner space, he completed months. Not accidentally, the mourning is worn for a certain period of time.

And besides, in “the cutoff” suffer and new relationships. Because of the old relationships remained unlived negative. And sooner or later he will begin to destroy the current relationship! Here there is the same mechanism of projection and substitution: to deal with the old partner “on-off” begins to project his image on a new partner.

Signs of “pruning”:

  • Ex-partner is not mentioned at all. As if it wasn’t for him or relationship with him. And this mechanism of denial only denies the past and not the present. The new spouse may suddenly find out that his wife was already married. Surprise! Only now the truth she tried to hide not from the new spouse, and from yourself.
  • “On-off” assures that the former partner he is absolutely indifferent towards him no feelings. In a situation of parting can be “sadness that did not happen” frustration, resentment, sadness and so on. And that’s OK. But indifference could not be.
  • At the mention of a former partner, someone from the outside “on-off” explodes manifests with a sudden flash of anger. Thus there is a transition from one extreme to the other: for external indifference and disregard is actually the rage.
  • The former is no longer called by name or by appropriate degree. Instead of “ex-husband” occurs “the father of my children”. If not the impersonal “this man”. So there is a denial of any relationship.
  • The transition from “you” to “you”. This is an attempt to increase the distance, but the attempt is wrong. Of course, when the breakup need to increase the distance, but in other ways. There are irreversible changes: the butterfly will transform back into a doll. And if the transition to “you” held, that a return to “you” reminds suddenly taken out of his Figo: “But look how you care about me! But torment!” This is an attempt to hurt his distantnost.
  • “Clipping” can communicate with your ex through an intermediary, direct interaction is not possible. Through a lawyer, relatives and friends, and even through a shared child (the latter is especially awful for a child).
  • Pointedly ignoring the “ex”, “on-off” still continues him something to be addressed, not only directly, but indirectly, pretending it was an accident. Nowadays, it is easy to do through social networks: upload photos and otherwise show their “happiness and success” supposedly neutral acquaintances. And in fact, this action is addressed to your ex.

These are the two main negative scenario of separation and their characteristics.

What is the healthy model complete relationship? Read about it .