Often partners complain that over time their loved one has changed, that in the beginning of the relationship he/she were different. But in fact, everything that has been impossible to ignore over time, evident in the beginning. Only in the period of love so want to believe in beautiful things that sometimes people don’t notice obvious things. You can use a check-list for compatibility.
But if you see reality as it is, and understanding more how you fit, what difficulty and whether it is possible to overcome them. The vision of reality will help to make the right choice and not give too much reason for the painful disappointment of their unfulfilled hopes and illusions. In relationships there are always some difficulties, and that’s fine.
It is important that the percentage of complications was significantly less than the percentage of the resource and positive parts of a relationship.
In the beginning was the word
If you want to know the man and his intentions – just listen to him. It is as though banal sounded, but often we invest in other words your sense.
In the film, Anand Tucker’s “SHOPGIRL,” the girl tells her friends about the gifts of the lover. She believes that he loves her. At the same time the young man talking with his therapist, reported: he explained to the girl that anything serious they have to and that she heard him and agreed with these conditions.
Unfortunately, it often happens that people live as if in parallel universes, everyone has their own vision of the situation. And it is better to see reality as soon as possible: the farther enter relationships, the more painful it will be out of them.
What can we say the phrase “I’m looking for a girl who will love me”?
At least that man more fit for consumption. Not worth to expect from him that he will take care of you just as you are about him. And a check-list for compatibility here is not useful. After all, the first thing he mentioned is the need to love HIM, not to love it.
A young man describes a girl he would like to see as a partner: “Looking for a girl: slender, long-haired, preferably involved in dancing. To start a serious relationship”. Perhaps he is capable of intimacy, but his description suggests that the woman for him consists only of a set of external data, and sets a pattern of this picture.
Needless to say that, most likely, it will be difficult to see in a woman personality. Most likely, it will not be too interested in your private world and the intimacy. But if that’s important to you, you will become a stumbling block.
There is a whole category of people who in adulthood call themselves Vova, Maxim, Lenusik. Only one such presentation we can say that people engage in adolescence, it is characterized by immaturity. This suggests that it is difficult to take responsibility for themselves.
From the book Valentina Moskalenko “Addiction: a family disease”
– Do you remember what words your future husband explained you in love?
– No, he no words spoken. Kissed, and I realized that he loves me.
– And what words he proposed to you?
– He said he can’t live without me. He said, “I need You”.
Future alcoholic was accurate. He really needed this support to his wife, he really could not live and drink without it. The words “can’t live without you”, “I need You” was expressed not so much the power of his love as the power of his addiction.
“My husband is my another child, immature. I picked it up exactly at the place at which it was left by the mother. 20 years mom him go, like a small child, and then did I,” says the wife of an alcoholic, 43-year-old Galina, a teacher of vocational schools.
Check-list for compatibility of the three points
1. Relation to other
It is important to listen to what the man says about other people, about relationships in General and your in particular. If he’s disrespectful comments on a previous partner or allows himself offensive remarks towards the opposite sex, and you are admired, we should not delude ourselves that you are a happy exception. Very soon you will fall under “attack”.
Because the mechanism of idealization, with the ascension to the podium will be followed by a depreciation. People almost always return to their usual patterns of behavior, that is, if it generally does not respect people, then it will affect you sooner or later.
2. Character and values
Human beings are multi-layered. We have character – like system to adapt to the outside world. This is a habitual way of responding to the world and its frustration. Sometimes they say that nature is the garment of the soul. And if a couple are having difficulty at the level of characters, if you wish and joint efforts we can solve it. Perhaps it will be development for both partners.
Deeper nature are our values. And if there are differences at this level, it is unlikely the pair will be able to coexist. If one of the partners should be ethical standards, and the other is unscrupulous, a pair will be very difficult to understand and accept each other.
Fritz Haber was one of the main developers of chemical weapons during the First world war. His wife Clara Immerwahr was also a talented chemist, but according to rumors, could not survive what her husband has become the “father of chemical weapons”. Fritz Haber personally witnessed the first use of chemical weapons during the battle at Ypres. Shortly after his return Clara has committed suicide.
A coincidence of values – the basis for a healthy relationship.
3. Boundaries and personal space
Today, people are rapidly converging, especially on the physical level. Frantic pace of life sets the tone in the relationship. If bodily attraction is sufficiently large, then people may ignore the “bells” of the incompatibility. Sooner or later the passion fades away and then the pair is faced with all that was ignored in the beginning, a fuse, and resources for compromise anymore. Often, relationships end. A healthier model convergence and getting to know each other, respect the personal space of each other.
If you have recently met, and you are overwhelmed:
- numerous calls, letters,
- unexpected visits to work or home,
- a proposal to marry and/or have children after only a few days of acquaintance,
- inappropriate expensive gifts,
- persistent questions
– it should alert you!
It is not a manifestation of love, but an attempt to “get” the victim and take her under control. The main desire of such people – power. The development of such relationships can be predicted very accurately, “victim” and step cannot step without control. And when you break such relationship or refuse to enter into a relationship, most likely, it will end the stalking.
Stalking (from the English. stalking) is called harassment and intimidation of the victim.