One of the main causes of divorce around the world – unjustified expectations. Once it becomes clear that the partner is far from ideal, that we ourselves have drawn, to make the burdens of life becoming increasingly difficult. In Russia, everything else on the unhappy couple more leans and socio-cultural oppression – is not useful for the senses features of “strong Soviet family”.
One of these socio-cultural peculiarities of Russian marriage – several generations living under one roof. We are not going to talk about the reasons that prompted people to marry, not having enough financial grounds. Whether it’s the greatest in the world love, not disfigured materialistic thoughts, or the banal “it’s time, and already the age”, the essence remains the same: a young husband or wife is part of a large family as another child, not a marriage partner.
Why is that bad?
As a rule, in such families the role is strictly fixed and is a senior member of the family does not accept the innovation, and subconsciously seeks to preserve the status quo. “A man should do a woman should behave” sounds from every angle. In the end, the young couple are not able to agree on how they will build their family that prevents them from successfully overcome the crisis of this phase of the family life cycle.
Yet they will cling to stereotyped postulates and to live in the whirl of constant unsolicited advice, they will never be able to understand, and really think one way or another, or just repeat voiced by someone thought. And it was at first, couples do not have to design the life “alien mind”, and should build their precious and unique relationship, create your family history on your own.
But this is not happening. They adapt. Then they have a child, and in one place live for three generations, leading to new conflicts, clash of values, attitudes, ineffective communication between all levels of this intergenerational family.
But how else?
Unfortunately, this state of Affairs in Russian families is due both to the historical tradition, so often and economic conditions. In other countries, by contrast, enshrined the cultural and other values. In America, for example, the couple do not live with their parents, they acquire their own housing. The typical American family is nuclear, that is composed of spouses and/or children under 18 years of age.
In this case, the favorable factors for the development of psychologically healthy relationships and more. This, of course, does not eliminate quarrels, inability to negotiate and come to a compromise solution. But in this case at least is a purely interpersonal relationship, not heated the eternal conflict of “fathers and children”.
Another problem of domestic family – life for children. Marriages in Russia are traditionally considered datacentermanager. Often the couple after the birth of children turn exclusively to moms and dads ignoring their relationship to the level of sexual partners. Moreover, because of this receprionist with children as they get older there is no transition to adult level of communication (the best reflection of the meaning of this psychological phenomenon can be found in the famous phrase: “You for me at any age will remain a child”). And it also complicates the relationship building with your spouse.
Why is that bad?
Such a violation of a family system leads to the fact that the suffering of sexual life of the spouses. When the parent role are fixed, the couple are functioning appropriately (“daddy”, “mommy”). When this happens subconsciously, the prohibition of incest, which leads to the cooling of sexual desire, and sooner or later the sex in such families will become a weak point.
The same is true in the relationship other roles, the essence of which does not involve sexual intimacy. For example, when a woman is looking for a “daddy” to solve problems and the satisfaction of whims. Or when a woman, on the contrary, assumes the function of mother – counselor, Savior, criticism, and the wife plays the role of a son. Role-playing situation may be different, but they all lead to the same result – a breakdown in the functioning of the sexual sphere. Often the consequence of this dissatisfaction is cheating. Russia is one of the most popular causes of divorce.
But how else?
The American example is from a psychological point of view it looks more effective. It is widely known that there parents are almost always “put the child over the threshold” at a certain age. Psychologically laid down that from birth to 18 years child and parent go through stages of symbiosis (emotional dependence) in the direction of weakening thereof. And moving to the level of the relations adult – Adult, parent shows the child that he respects him as an independent personality and the right to build a life on his own script. This version of “without a nest” is psychologically Mature. As Mature and relationship of the spouses in this case: because they can afford to be a man and a woman and not just mom and dad.
Fear of loneliness is another distinctive feature of Russian citizens, which holds together a dysfunctional marriage even when divorce seemed to be the most reasonable solution. This fear is especially characteristic of women, and is directly proportional to progression: the older the woman is, the stronger this fear. And accordingly, the more financially disadvantaged or dependent woman, the fear is more pronounced. The fear of being left out of family life mixed with poisonous thought: “And suddenly there he settled fine without me, but I can’t. And the rest of my life will bite your elbows.”
Plays a big role stereotype according to which “the divorcee”, “grass widow” is not in the price. Fear to the disapproval of relatives and significant others has a great influence on the desire to save the marriage at any cost, even if you save nothing.
Why is that bad?
In Russia is higher emotional involvement in the relationship. And if in case of physical break – divorce, loss of a spouse – Americans and Europeans requires about one year on the emotional gap in Russia – three to five or sometimes more years. Is a kind of emotional entrapment, obsession, which in turn inhibits and hinders effective relations with another person.
But how else?
In America, women are often at any age prefer to get out of the relationship than to remain unsatisfied married life. Here the important role played by socio-economic factors, the woman feels financially protected. The loss of a partner and loss of financial stability are not synonymous.
But do not think that only developed economy allows women to feel more freedom in this matter. For example, the inhabitants of the Caribbean Islands as well as Americans, live in nuclear families, and women there don’t feel any pressure and dependence. However, a few other reasons. Historically, men in the Caribbean have less functional load, these families are mostly matriarchal. The woman is the main axis, makes decisions concerning children and the family as a whole, while a man often performs the function of a pet, with which bribes are smooth. But because there are not rare cases when a woman herself is the initiator of the breakup, if you drag “another child” becomes difficult.
Fortunately, socio-economic and cultural realities tend to evolve. Today the roles of men and women in Russia undergo a huge metamorphosis. And it is not so scary to be “brokenly”. And already it is not necessary to have a stamp in the passport. And to be someone gallant lover becomes more curious than caring “daddy”. And as long as in the “Soviet family” comes this “thaw”, perhaps it makes sense to look behind the “iron curtain” and learn a few constructive schemes?