To get away from the other is possible only if
when I return him all the
what it was intended…
The article describes the phenomenon of psychological violence in the family, for example, the relationship with a narcissist. The term “narcissist” is used here not in the clinical sense, but rather as a partner that the relationship is prone to manipulation and use of the other – his victim. The relationship presented in the article from the position of the victim.
I’ll be in my text to examine this phenomenon (such relationships), using the concept of psychological games as a stereotyped, automatic, unconscious forms of human life with a certain structure and clear sequence of stages. This “game” is not recognized and is not recognized by its participants as a game, but is perceived as a normal life.
Call “actors” of this game a narcissist and a Victim and then try to describe the scenario from the position of the Victim, simultaneously answering the following questions:
- What bait uses Narcissus to attract the Victim?
- Who is the victim of a narcissist?
- What the trap is in the end the Victim?
- What price the Victim pays for these relationships?
- How to get rid of narcissistic traps?
I’ll start with the description of the mechanism of the game.
Bait. Narcissus “dissolve your peacock’s tail”. He demonstrates his abundance and generosity, or does. It is as though all his views and actions tells you: “I’m bigger than it is. I’m special. I can give you something incredible (attention, sensitivity, involvement, love)”. He looks knowledgeable, confident, self-sufficient, generous…
Deficit. The victim of a narcissist is some kind of deficit: attention, love, sensitivity and care. This deficit is associated with the experience of its previous contacts with significant others in which it remained “hungry”. This scarcity of human needs, forming emotional dependence on the other and leading to the formation of the following: “the Other is something I do not!”
The prelude, or “dance of Narcissus”. And then surrounded the Victim by a man who his whole appearance and behavior shows that he has excess what is missing from the Victim. Narcisse has two options illustrate the Sacrifice of its excess of deficiency:
First – it really demonstrates its capabilities: exhibits high attention, care, sensitivity, support, approval, acceptance, unconditional…
“The partner has demonstrated a total listening, maximum inclusion, thereby creating a sense of how I’m important to him that the whole world for him in me!”
Second – it creates a sense of visibility it has the above advantages. In this case, he doesn’t even need anything to show, to demonstrate. It is important to behave so that the Victim believed that the daffodils have in abundance what it lacks.
“Finally, I met such a person.”. “I am so lucky in life!”.
Narcissus falls under the projective image of a perfect life partner, the Victim. This image is far from real I’m a narcissist, but a perfect match with its carefully created the false self, with which he identificireba. In the end, “Man on the pedestal”, “a need to pray!”
Illusion 1. The other is what I need.
The victim in the case of both the first and the second variant of behavior of the narcissist believes that something (what she needs) it has in abundance and that is something that can be easily and freely to this man – something she lacked in her life!
Narcissus lure the Victim. But as soon as the Victim is the first illusion, it takes it that first gave it abundantly, or hinted at it. “And then – Bang – it’s gone! What am I doing wrong?”
Illusion 2. If I’m with him, I’m unique. The victim merges with a narcissist, her self-esteem from it increases. There is the experience of his chosen, unique. “With him I felt more confident, stronger.” It seems that this kind of experiences are the psychological win, for what the Victim suffers devastating for these.
Illusion 3. If you try real hard, you can get what I need.
The task of the narcissist is to maintain the illusion of the Victim. It is important that the Victim not disappointed in them. To do this, the narcissist needs to periodically confirm the myth that he really is the fact that the Victim was missing and that she needed to try and then she’ll get what you need. “I thought just needed a little more to try and I will get him the recognition and love…”
In the end, the narcissist creates a dependency on itself. It is unique and the only other such in the world. Do narcissist it’s easy, he doesn’t need something to play and pretend he is truly believes it is his image of himself.
At the same time it is constantly stressed that other insignificant, worthless. Here we meet with the internal resplendently Narcisse on the polarity of the “immense void”. Identificeres with the image of a Grand himself, the narcissist projects Neprikasaemye the image itself is insignificant to your partner in order not to meet his shadow.
Everything the narcissist does not accept himself, he “discovers” from his partner. It begins actively to devalue. To do this, the narcissist uses gaslighting.
Gaslighting – a form of psychological abuse where one person, through psychological manipulation causes the other person to doubt the adequacy of their perception of reality, to consider themselves inferior, defective, abnormal, inadequate…
Use gaslighting Narcisse is easy, as the Victim of a narcissist is fully grounded on it, addicted to it. To rely on yourself for this time the Victim is already impossible, and to find understanding and support from others difficult.
Others, even close friends of the Victim can also fall under the charm of the narcissist.
Narcisse for other supports your beautiful, flawless look. Even if the Victim begins to seek support from other, pointing to the “dark side of the moon”, while others eventually may sincerely wonder: “this can Not be!” “I know him. He’s not!”, “He’s a lovely, lovely man”, “You’re so lucky with him!”. “You underestimate him!” “You’re a fat mad, what are you missing?”.
As a result of such “support” the Victim only confirms the idea of their own inadequacy. A narcissist knows how to mislead others with respect to themselves, showing them to display its bright “peacock’s tail”.
The price of illusion – fallen through the floor self-esteem and complete dependence of the partner of the narcissist. This is a relationship that deny power, take power. The more experience such a relationship, the harder it is for the Victim to break free, to escape from them. “No power to change anything, my self-esteem plummeted down,” “I feel weak, good-for-nothing!” The man is trapped by a narcissist: he can no longer rely on itself, and becomes dependent on a partner.
If the relationship still continue.
“Resuscitation of the soul.”
As a result of the breakup of the Victim occurs a whole range of strong feelings – anger, hatred, resentment, disgust… these are the feelings that people regularly repress these relationships, eventually becoming insensitive to it. Despite the pain, which is accompanied by the appearance and accommodation of all the above feelings is an important healing process, which is return of sensation and the rebirth of the soul, its resuscitation.
Attempt to skip this stage and go directly to acceptance and forgiveness, of course, premature. It is impossible to accept something in yourself if the place is occupied by the negative. First you need to vacate the site, remove accumulated there deposits of withheld negative feelings to give to another what he meant, but was withheld. Only then there is an opportunity to leave. Go not physically but emotionally. To get to her. But this is only the first step on the path to him. Call it “resuscitation of the soul.”
The next step is to work on “reanimation Me.” Of the above-described toxic relationship is weak, dependent, insensitive to himself. The following is a description of the stages of work on the refinement and sense of identity: “I like people”. Marked here are the basic directions for this work.
- The return sensitivity to their own borders. The first stage is the recognition and acceptance of such importance in the feelings of aggression and disgust. The above feelings as no other, are the identifying markers of the violation of personal boundaries.
In the second stage, it is important to learn eco-friendly to handle these feelings. It is a question of choosing an optimal form of their presentation, depending on the prevailing situation. This work is in the modality of the I – sense. See more here
- The restoration and strengthening of other modalities I – thoughts, desires, and possibilities. Important here is the search for and adoption of its I-desires is what I want? To do this, you may have to make a trip into the past – to remember that when the question “What do I want?” seemed more complex when I still lived in “Want” and not just mere “Need”.
This also applies to work on “their thoughts” – “I think?”. But it must be my own thoughts – what I really think! Even if they are contrary to public opinion, contrary to the opinion of the authorities.
Well, about modality – opportunities – What can I do? Here, as nowhere else important is the process of experimentation, performing voluntary actions-actions in which there is a new experience and feeling of “I can” is the building material for Me, to lean on. Work on the modality “I” is made after consideration of modalities “Feel”, “Want”, “Think”.
- Work on the identity “Woman”.
The above described relationship with a narcissist have been highly detrimental to women’s identity. Therefore, it is important to work on the opening, clarifying and building image of “I am Woman”. Considering all of the same modality (want, feel, think), as in the case of the previous image of himself “I – Man”. Basic reflective questions here are:
- What I’m a Woman?
- What I want as a Woman?
- I feel like a Woman?
- I think as a Woman?
- What I can do as a Woman?
To go back to your never too late.