From what I told you, I lied to almost all

From what I told you, I lied to almost all

The text Lucky Ootter “Letter of the true “I” Narcissus”.

My dear victim, from what I told you, I lied about almost everything.

And I don’t regret it. I can’t empathize with you.

In my defense, I will say that it was not a narcissist, so I never had the opportunity to develop their conscience, their ability to feel remorse or empathy for someone I hurt.

However, on an intellectual level I understand that it is wrong. I just don’t feel your pain. Sometimes I would feel, but I can’t.

I became a narcissist, because a child feel too vulnerable. I grew up too sensitive. A very large part of what I felt was pain.

Often made me feel that I am nothing and nobody. I was hurt and angry as you are with me now.

Then I couldn’t understand why I don’t like don’t treat me with contempt, as one who is of no value.
I no one never showed and taught how to be a good person.

In my life there was so much pain that I had to do something. To do something drastic. I had to become strong and never show my weakness because my weakness was killing me.

I learned early on that sensitive person who is experiencing remorse and compassion for another, can love others is a weak man.

I know that really it’s not, but the conditions of my life taught me this. I was too young to understand what is wrong.

Once in my childhood I had to make a choice: to survive, I had to sacrifice her humanity. Dear price I paid. I didn’t want to do this, but knew he needed.

I could no longer be in this amount of pain. I had to sell my soul.

To sell my soul, I gave up my feelings and shut himself and all the rest.

This meant that I could no longer afford to love anyone, to feel the pain or joy of another, or to regret it if I did something wrong.

I had to wear the mask and become their false “I”. And in order not to damage its falsity, to keep her integrity, I had to mistreat others.

I learned to devalue many to my about “Me” was strong enough.

If I’m not constantly to support itself, forcing you to feel bad, my mask of lies could fall and expose the real me, helpless and vulnerable baby whom I must protect at any cost.

Any. Even if it requires the destruction of all others.

It may seem that I act like I love myself, but really I hate myself. Inside I know that I am nothing. The most precious thing I have – only mask that I wear. I abuse you, to protect the mask.

You will never be able to reach my true self, because the lies I tell, almost impenetrable. I lied so often and so long that I believed my own lies, I’m living a lie. It’s true.

I will never allow you to get closer to what I really feel. I don’t know what I feel. Most of the time I feel nothing, because a lie has no feelings.

If you will try to remove my mask, to destroy my protective armor, I’ll try to destroy you. If I am to burn, I’ll take you with me. I will burn you about yourself the worst a lie. I would be mad and insult you.

First, I’ll be nice. I can seem very charming, attentive and caring person, especially in those moments when fear that the resource that you give me, is under threat, or you can leave me.

I know how to get others to trust me, acting as a very good man.

But as a good man I don’t feel the emotions of a good man. For me this is a difficult and dangerous job to look good, because that too is a lie.

And when you begin to trust, I have to insult you because I have to hold you at arm’s length to keep his mask. When I show you what I’m mood*is also a lie about me.

I have forgotten who I really am. I don’t have access to him. I just know that my true self is somewhere, but I never met him.

If I see you come too close, learned too much about me for the truth and saw my mask that I’m starting to think she’s fake I’ll destroy you or you will be removed from your life.

I can’t afford to know the truth about himself.

Nothing scares me more than to face the truth about myself, so I separated from her and myself.

It hurts me so much that I had to choose this fake “Me” because of what was done to me. I hate to be evil. I really don’t want to be like this, but will never admit it. I will never be able to show you or anyone else in the world, as far as I sensitive and vulnerable. But deep inside, I know, I know. And I can’t bear this knowledge.

I’m still a baby. I was not able to grow and Mature. My emotional and moral development was stopped when I was very small child.
Therefore, my emotional maturity is the maturity two or three year old child. That’s why I don’t care about you.

Can two or three year old child to take care of your feelings before your own?

Of course not. I can’t either. I as a disabled person who has emotional and moral constraints.

You know, it’s really heavy and hard work to support his false “I”. Constantly be on guard. I am paranoid almost every enemy that can expose me.

A narcissist can be very difficult. And I know that I’ve sacrificed in order to be able to survive in life, true happiness, love, joy. I threw it all away, never to suffer pain.

And still I get hurt.

The only way that I would dare show his pain – to project on you my anger and rage. But me not up to you and your feelings. I’m too busy. I have to lick their wounds and try to hold the mask, to see that my false “I” was strong and consistent.

They say that with age I can relent, but I can hardly believe it, probably not. I think I’m going to only become worse.
I know that as soon as I chose this life, I have had no return. I chose the darkness, and once that was done, the light will not come back.

So if you take care of yourself (because I will never care about you), you have to leave now. Don’t play my games. Better ignore me and act like I’m not, like I don’t exist.

This is the worst thing I can imagine, but if you care about your survival, you have to do it. If you do not, sooner or later I will destroy you. Listen to my warning.

There is too little chance that your failure will make me first look in their own mirror. Will be forced to look for a lost child, whom I have so long left. If that happens, I will be very painful.

Maybe I can even ask for the help that you need. But don’t count on it. If I ever ask for help, as soon as I start experiencing too much pain, I will probably leave the advice.

The pain is too terrible for me. And I find it easier to use your own mind and abuse your emotions, maintaining his false mask.
Don’t expect me to change.
I’m not going.
Don’t play my games.
Even if I’m angry, you’re stronger than I am.
I’ll never let you know that I know it.
Don’t fall for my lies.
Even better, leave.
Keep your soul intact.
Don’t let me to use you and turn you into a shell of who you were.

Your Narcissus

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