How are relations organized

How are relations organized

How does the relationship? We’ll see if I’ll go under the hood and try to grasp the essence of this process?

Maybe it’s corny, but we will see, exactly what in the whole of nature. Namely, one of the most basic laws of living – strive for good, avoid bad.

Reward me, reward me completely

Already amoeba, extremely stupid creatures, demonstrate understanding of this principle. They cheerfully crawl to a puddle of sweet water, because there is sugar, and sugar is good. If they make a puddle of water and lemon juice, then amoeba crawling briskly away. Because lemon is sour and acidic is bad.

And people in relationships. Social psychologists have long established – we like those people who reward us (or we think it’s the reward that’s going to happen). Of course, this reward is not everything, but important for a specific person (see, e.g., Elliot Aronson).

Yeah, it’s like in the famous book about the five love languages, but in fact languages are not five but as many as people. Moreover, throughout life, a person’s preferences may change and what was the reward yesterday, today has become neutral.

Yesterday the girl was important that the man was fun and crazy, but today, she already understands that she needs stability. Op – reward has changed, now the fun mad men she doesn’t like because can’t reward what she needed (and fifty things will be different, and funny crazies will again be on a horse).

What is important in a relationship

Remembering the basic law of life, it is easy to see that in a relationship two things are important – to be rewarded, and not punished.

Simply put, you need nutritious and safe environment. When it is, relationships are excellent.

What is a nutrient medium? Is the environment conducive to your development, improve health, increase life satisfaction. Simply put, here admire you, hugs, help, care, give gifts, support, comfort, listen to your opinion, kiss, talk for hours on end and so on and so on and so forth.

What is the environment safe? It is an environment where there are no threats. Where you are not abused, not beaten, not humiliated, not punished, not deprived of sex, not ignore and so on, so on, so forth.

Here it is necessary to mention two important points.

1. Environment create two. If one is trying to make a nourishing and safe environment, and the second is not taking part in it isn’t going to work, alas. Definitely need the efforts of both partners.

2. The environment will never be perfectly nutritious, and perfectly safe. First of all, because created by its people. And people are just people. All wrong, not enough sleep, am in a bad mood, and the like.

So the important thing to nutritious and safe was more than poisonous and dangerous. A good ratio of five to one. Let one toxic and harmful episode five are nutritious and safe. Then all will be well (see work by John Gottman).

How to apply it

In practice, it looks like this – you strive to make the life of your partner better, and he simultaneously strives to make your life better. Of course, this is not always – there are people who selflessly are willing to accept care and attention, but for the sake of themselves you won’t even scratch. Well, except that flamed you last word if you stop to take care of them (they call it constructive criticism).

However, practice shows that such people not so much. So take a look around and think – what can you do to create in your relationship nutritious and safe environment?

Start simple – remember to complain about your partner, what he lacks in the relationship. Usually complaints are the easiest to understand what the reward should your partner and what kind of punishment should be removed.

The wife complains that her husband is not speaking with her? Here’s to you, husband, clear, what reward is important to your wife.

The husband complains that his wife is controlling him? Here’s to you, the wife, clear information, what rewards matter to your husband.

If you are unable to immediately understand what is important to your partner (e.g., wife complaining about the lack of attention or husband a lack of respect), then ask a partner to expand its complaint to specify it, to give examples.

In General, if some prefer, you’ll be able to know what rewards matter to your partner.

Further business for small: to reward partner exactly what he needs, and closely watch the reaction – whether partner rewards you in return. Usually the rewards (and if not, it seems, smells like kerosene, that is, divorce). What can you do – and it happens, unfortunately.

Total. The relationship is simple – we like those who reward us. The more rewards and fewer penalties, the better. The ideal is still unattainable, to get upset about. A nourishing and safe environment to create two and it is important that they are approximately equal involved. If there’s a bias in one direction, the relationship becomes unhappy.

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