Trying to start a relationship, men and women often unknowingly set themselves the task not to meet a potential partner, not to know each other, and become captivated by each other. To see who fits the ideal, “suitable mate” and not a real person.
If we are talking about flirting or sexual adventure – then why not? Romantic passion, sexual arousal – it is not necessarily a real person, you can flirt or kiss with the invented image, which is projected by chance on the right person.
But if you want a relationship and not a one-off adventure, the desire to fascinate and to be fascinated in conflict with a desire to learn.
Popular culture tells us what is “right” – to idealize, to look good, to put yourself exceptionally. For this reason, one of the inevitable and natural stages of a relationship is frustration. It is different.
If, for example, women have a very hard way of what should be a “real man”, the slightest mismatch in this way results in either a rapid cooling and depreciation, or attempts to educate man, to conform to this image.
Another version of frustration – discover what qualities of a partner that is loved, has a dark side. For example, it turns out that the man “like a stone wall” emotionally, too, stone wall. A soft and gentle partner is not able to keep his word.
The third option of a disappointment – the discovery of the qualities or behaviors of a partner that he struggled to hide, just trying to avoid disappointment.
Common to all kinds of frustration is that we find our partner is unable to meet all of our needs.
Based on the idealization of the dream that we will find a man that will fill all our mental deficiencies. The woman, who in childhood lacked the security, I want to find someone who always and in any situation will protect. If you do not have enough love, we are looking for someone who will always “take the pen”… If you do not have self-esteem, it can create a craving for the person next to you, as it seems, you can begin to respect yourself…
That is another, as it seems, can give what is missing in themselves. And then some time later found that does not always protect, not always responds to requests for pity, not a handyman, and so on.
The greater the idealization – it is the deafening crashing when a person in the other pole – the pole of depreciation, when all that was in the relationship, is declared to be a lie or nonsense.
“Oh my God! He does not want conflict with your mother, protecting me! He’s a Mama’s boy!” Or: “You never listen!” (although, maybe just not always ready to listen).
Is it possible to avoid frustration? No, this is a natural process. How, then, to understand what our expectations and hopes are unrealistic?
Unrealistic is the expectation that the partner will respond to all our desires and that he will abandon his life for us. That it will never be domestic conflicts, quarrels, misunderstanding. The unrealistic expectation is that partner will be “remake”, if you make the effort (this illusion often soothe themselves early in the relationship, when you notice in your partner something that does not suit).
But there is something that we have every right to expect. This lack of emotional and physical violence, recognition of the value of our experiences and willingness to discuss them. If you have already to be disappointed in this – the relationship is doomed.