How to choose a partner? Make your puzzle

How to choose a partner? Make your puzzle

You met an interesting person, started to communicate. But sometimes I wonder – is it right made a choice? Offer to create a puzzle and determine how your Union is stable. Perhaps this man appeared in your life is not accidental.

The roles we play?

All of us in childhood played in her family role (“hope for parents”, “family problem” and so on). As adults, we, without realizing it, in the relations with people here and there start to play the same role. Ever notice that? Comfortable with it or not, but it’s familiar, and we, without realizing it, tend to “settle” in relationships in the usual way. That is why mysteriously new acquaintances often treat us the same as we were treated to our relatives. These people are responding to our signals.

Everything is more or less important relationships in our lives are not accidental. Remember our friends and enemies. Somehow out of all the people we are with them “chose” each other, and between us have evolved emotionally charged relationship. Because we are with them “helped” each other again to experience some very important familiar feeling, to be back in familiar ways. The style of these relations has developed in our families, so we and these people in some way complement each other.

And similarly, it is not a casual love, infatuation with someone of the opposite sex. No random novel and not a random marriage. Somehow we tend to think that falling in love is a matter of chance. “Love hurts,” – who has managed to fall in and fall in love. But, then, this man was (maybe for some unconscious reasons) are needed. And not coincidentally, the novel ultimately leads or does not lead to marriage. Not accidentally, the marriage is emotionally prosperous or not, is retained for life, or falling apart.

How does the choice of a partner?

When we meet of the opposite sex and we like it, it means that we are in relationship with him can play the familiar role, repeating the well-known behaviors. Because their behavior and the role that he is ready to play, he adds.

For example, one person (say, male) grew up in a family in which it is habitually exploited. He was taught to “not be selfish” and to always sacrifice their interests for others. Of course, not all family members do the same. (Otherwise who would have taken his infinite sacrifice?)

This man meets “the woman of his dreams”, and they are drawn to each other like a magnet. The woman brought up the type of “family idol,” she’s selfish, demanding in relationships with loved ones and are prone to exploitation. The relationship between a man and a woman be unhappy initially, but they feel that without each other can not. Maybe they’ll get married and then their family will grow children who will learn that in a relationship you can either exploit or be exploited.

In this case, found each other man who is endlessly willing to give, and a woman who is willing to take infinitely. How did this happen? For simplicity, imagine a choice in the form of a puzzle.

These different puzzles relations

Here I met two people who are in a relationship only want to take:

You can see that the puzzle pieces do not match. And these people will never attract each other. Each quickly realizes that the partner he will do nothing. But have met two people who are in a relationship seek only to give:

These pieces of the puzzle don’t match, either. And these people will not cause each other’s interest. Sometimes people ask: why? The two met such a good man would be happy together. Because everyone can’t do what he used to give. To take anyone. To take both of them do not know.

But was found two opposites. As in the example. Or Vice versa. A selfish man will always find a woman willing to sacrificial behavior. And the notorious “bitch” will always find a man she can exploit. So:

There match is, and such people often find each other. But it will be an unhappy couple. The ever-giving partner will accumulate resentment because he does everything for another person, and his concern is simply taken for granted, with no visible impact.

In the shower he silently hopes that partner will one day realize what a treasure he got, and be thankful. Sooner or later he’ll talk about his offense, and then we will be offended “taker” partner. Most likely, he feels that picking on him. First love what is, now, you see, is bad. Sometimes such a person is simply unaware that others are in need of something. Then it’s just not going to understand the reasons of discontent and blame it on the bad character of the partner.

We see that the coincidence of the pieces of a puzzle led to the emergence of an unhappy Union. Often so happens, and people in unhappy pairs, in essence, “fit” each other, no less than people in couples are happier.

As there are a harmonious pair?

Many people are more flexible in their behavior. And then in relationships with other people are able to both give and take (love, care, emotional warmth). This met two such people.

In this case, the partners complement each other. And therefore, attract each other. Such a coincidence could be the basis for an emotionally prosperous relationships, including mutual care and mutual respect. If in such a family children grow up, they get enough care, and also have the ability (according to age) to take care of loved ones. And they see that loved ones appreciate it. When they grow up, they too will seek and attract partners who are able both to take and to give.

So, in order to make people like each other and stayed together, is required to “match puzzle”. Some people came out of who raised their families with a very rigid style of behavior. Then for the pair they are looking for (to a greater or lesser extent aware of) its opposite. Giver looking for a taker. One needs someone to take care of, to another, that someone cared about him. One used to be a victim, the other aggressive. One limp – another one wants to lead and command.

But there are people whose behavioral repertoire is wider, and usually a more favorable option for love and marriage. This is when, for example, we can take care and take care. To take responsibility and to trust another person. Sometimes to defend their interests, and sometimes to give to another, etc.

How to make your own puzzle

People who grew up in an emotionally safe environment, and again behave the way they reproduce in your life a happy situation: they are respected, they meet people that they find a loving partner.

On the other hand, we’ve all seen people who are in relationships with other life “stepping on the same rake”. For example, a man again and again gets a job, but it each time fired. Or the girl again and again met with the guys, but all guys leave her. These people something again and again reproduce in their relationship – something very painful for them. Others often guess that the reason is in man, and not particularly sympathetic to conclude that he was “to blame”. But the fault in this: man, as a rule, does not understand how he is so.

The recommendations of the psychologist

For starters, read this article. Think about it. Is there anything in your life, something unpleasant that repeated again and again in relationships?

Will you be able to track it in a relationship? What are you doing that all over again? What people choose?

If you stop to repeat will not work if you notice you can not like it all happens again, consult a psychologist.

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