The relationship between people, especially in pair, in the beginning covered with a veil of romance and seem to be timeless, beautiful, amazing. But somehow, over time, sometimes turn the other party suffering a heavy parting. How can we convert a cloudless relations in the heavy burden oppresses us? And how to find a middle ground in the search and choice of a partner?
Building relationships is always hard work, which has its own stages of development. We start them in the same condition – the motivation of approaching another person is always the same.
Over time, the motivation and reason to be near another person change – transformation.
At the same time we show ourselves in different ways.
- One easy to make relations but difficult to keep.
- Other painful they begin, but then remain long enough in the relationship.
- And the third is the most difficult complete relationship that all indicators had long been complete.
Quite often it all starts with love. Love is a lot of passion, a lot of “biology,” a lot of emotions, excitement and… a lot biased assessment of reality. When we fall in love, then our minds changed a little bit. Either way, the pair would create very few.
Two halves of a whole?
Folk wisdom says: “loving people – two halves of the same Apple”, “husband and wife – one Satan.” You can continue this list for very long. You can build on it, but we will try to think what a meaning in these expressions.
Proverbs suggest a rather strange relationship model, where two different people resulting in a love of magic to turn into one. As a result, however, is not very attractive creature with two heads that look in different directions, four arms and legs. How does it happen?
The notions of identity and authenticity
First, a conscious choice we can make only when there comes some “understanding myself,” what in psychology is connected with notions of identity and authenticity.
We are talking about the recognition of oneself in the social environment:
- Who am I?
- What is my function?
- What are my abilities?
- Whether my environment with the expectations that I broadcast to other people?
And the concept of authenticity reflects the process of emotions inside. If there is a work on detection itself, it suggests that we can build a sufficiently flexible relationship. What order it happens?
Quite a difficult process of identity most often occurs in adolescence, when we first accept all that we are told by the society, and then begin to seek his. “His” may please others, and rejected them.
For example, self-selection, teen clothes, parents often causes shock, misunderstanding. Why is this happening? Because parents have their own idea about fashion. In such cases, there are two ways: to adhere to the opinions of other people or stay at his.
Get to know yourself in relationships
The same thing happens in relationships. When entry into adulthood is to spend time getting to know yourself in this area: what I’m a girl, which guy am I? Experiments with the relationship.
However, this is possible only in the case when all the previous stages of life have been no problems. This means that young people have learned to risk their curiosity, don’t worry about failures, although teenage love is experienced is very difficult.
It is also important to have the support, not devalued, not mocked by our experiences during this difficult period, and Vice versa – have supplied their knowledge. But it is important that knowledge not be regarded as instructions, do not attempt to use them, because it is not the fact that they will help, but can also do harm.
Gradually we begin to recognize themselves in the relationship. And after some time be able to organize relationships with those people that can live on the same space.
For me personally, the relationship is not two halves of the same Apple, but two separate Apple. Often even the Apple and pear. And the plate they divide evenly as we would like, and quite difficult. Therefore, at some stage there is a desire to turn a partner in its appearance.
Two principles of relationship building
If the stage of recognition itself fails, we will build relations on the basis of the deficit. In my opinion, this is one of the fundamental principles of relationship building. Also often a factor in the start of the relationship is an elementary curiosity. Consider these two ways to build the relations in more detail.
1. The principle of scarcity
If a person builds a relationship from a position of deficit, then to engage in their own livelihood, he never learned, but he has a great idea: to implement this at the expense of another.
There are three basic needs that are considered fundamental in the development of our mental processes:
- It is important for us to have a certain level of security.
- We have a need for proximityin relationships.
- It is very important to be implemented, to create something, to do and receive feedback from the environment.
If we talk about building relationships based on the principle of shortage, it is necessary to rely on these basic needs. Let’s just see how it will be implemented in life?
The need for security
To meet the needs for security and peace of mind, we will choose a partner whom we consider as reliable. One who does not frighten us, reactions which do not cause us great excitement.
But such a partner is not always suitable for long-term relationship. First, it is peaceful, but then becomes boring. All interest in maintaining this relationship gradually disappears. It is only natural that we start to get angry, trying to stir up, to cause some reaction, which be new. Often the reaction to such actions is disapproving, conflicts arise.
The second option, when we choose a strong, aggressive partner that can do what we can not do much more difficult. We immediately fall into emotional dependency, but not only. It is impossible not to take into account that in such a relationship will have to face aggression. Quite often it leads to tragedies. In this model, one of the partners begins to suffer humiliation, painful actions from the other partner, but to others I is safe.
I must say that if we choose a partner according to the principle of scarcity, the relationship are obtained, as a rule, vertical: either we submit to the partner or themselves submit to it.
The need for proximity
Really want to second the need for proximity with his half implemented in my life to the fullest. And if there are difficulties, it is said that we are for some reason not learned to safely fall in love, to trust another person. Something has prevented you in previous relationships. Or perhaps, the family experience was a situation that we had to spend a lot of effort to adapt to these.
Very often, the difficulty lies in the fact that we want intimacy in the relationship, but scared to trust another person. In practice, there are several ways to develop relations that describe the main.
The first scenario
The choice of a partner who loves you, without mutual feelings
Tragic scenario for both parties. Because one who loves does not receive a response feelings and all the time undergoing a crisis of undivided, loneliness, resentment. Partner thinks that he is not worthy to be loved. In General, he has a lot of reasons to suffer. One who is less emotionally involved or not included at all in the relationship, over time, begins to feel guilty about a man who can’t give the same warmth and love.
Irritation due to excess attention to myself from a person whom we can’t say the same, which is very often blocked by guilt. This is the destruction of yourself, partner. In the best case, it all ends with the destruction of the relationship.
The second scenario
A marriage of convenience
This is a more stable design compared with the first. This is a clear contract, which means a exchange. If someone ceases to fulfill the conditions, then it becomes a reason to end the relationship.
The third scenario
The choice of a partner, in order to Express themselves
In this case we choose the bright, well-known partner that has already been realized in life. And then trying to become part of that person and get satisfaction through his accomplishments.
Beautiful model, but in reality it doesn’t work. No satisfaction comes. There are feelings of jealousy, envy, demand control of the man. We are trying to slow down its development. Feel dissatisfaction and their own inferiority next to the leader.
On the other hand, if we choose a partner who we think has less social weight and will obey, then quickly begin to be ashamed of him, irritated. Finally, beside him becomes boring. We are trying unsuccessfully to develop, and it’s excruciating for both of them.
It is impossible to stretch a person if he is no longer stretched.
To stabilize such a relationship is possible through the development of enduring. That is to go to failure from himself, from his size, style of life, their needs, tasks, their pleasures, finally, for the sake of a wasted effort. Or because it is very scary to abandon relationships and be alone.
The fourth scenario
The choice of a partner, which all the time something needs to save
A very curious model. To whom it all happens, as a rule, fails to get stronger, you are unable psychologically to grow up and learn to navigate in the environment. And the one who saves, first, understand what the vertical is building relationship and compensates for the expense of such relations, some kind of a deficit. And secondly, this man feels special status, because of the unpredictability of a partner in the company of his regret.
2. The principle of curiosity
It’s time to seriously figure out if the right person relationship if it all ends the same: tension, irritation and really want to break free? Is there another side to the coin?
Of course. It’s just coming from curiosity. Such a luxury people can afford when he satisfies his basic needs. Without a doubt, the first difference of such a relationship is that requires significantly less control because the partner is not vital, it just diversifies and enriches life, enabling you to satisfy the curiosity.
The distance of these free relationship allows you to approach, at some point, even to merge with a man or, conversely, to disperse, like ships at sea. The only question is how control this process? If he’s not accountable, it is possible to completely trust a partner and get what you need.
It is good, and when allowed to move, increasing the distance and doing something personal, to save his life and interests, while assuming that the other situation is repeated.
Check for integrity
In this type of relationship is much worse with a lot of patience because crises exist in any case. At some point, when the tension in the relationship more than pleasure, comes the test of integrity.
We can stay with a partner because he’s more interesting than others, and can act in a more dependent way, repeating: “I can’t imagine life without this person, I feel bad, loneliness is horrible.” In this case, patience can grow to giant size, and emotional dependence to turn into a pathology.