Vika, my Internet friend who lives in Singapore with her husband Michael. She is traveled to Russia a few years ago to visit, taking with him a one-year-old son Vova. And she could not take this opportunity to talk to me about family problems.
Vika: My husband really doesn’t help. I’m not working, at home over the wolf care. And husband at home – as a guest: “bring, bring”. Starts to annoy me that he is my child applies to a stranger: if cries or misbehaves – “Calm down!”, “Tell him!”, “Put to bed!”. In General, the impression that the child it is largely a hindrance.
Vika told me a lot about how hard it is now. But gradually it became clear that the husband still sometimes washes the dishes, and taking out the trash, and pants their strokes. Vika walks three times a week to the gym while her husband is watching over the son (though not as she would like). Mike playing with his son in “inappropriate” from the point of view of the Wiki of the game – too noisy with balls, and not in the “smart calm”. In General, Vika felt all right.
The couple had another urgent issue to their own parents. All requests Wiki for additional help rested on the question of the husband: “how our mothers coped?” Vic replied that her mom was helping grandma, and dad in the side were not. Besides, Misha wound up persistent talk that it’s time to think about the birth of the second child, because then he wants another and a third! Graduated from Vic that she is in deep depression: “all my fault, everywhere I punches, kicks, no help”. But, how could tear Vika nor described the situation, looking at this red-haired beast with rays in the eyes, it was impossible to assume that she is the victim. And about the depression of the question: the reaction live, smile all the time somewhere close, the energy is boiling. Women often come to the psychologist, to their regret and confirmed they are right: she is suffering from a white angel, and her husband all in black and all around are wrong. But it can only aggravate the situation in the family, so will have to disappoint Vic.
Julia Vasilkina: the whole issue clear to me. But let us once again formulate it.
Q: I don’t like that my husband helps me with and bad deals with the child.
YV: And what would I like? How to change the situation, so you said, “That’s all right now”?
Q: So her husband started to help out around the house, spending time with the child and ceased to harass me petty harassment.
J. V.: so, your query you formulate so that as a result of our work should change the behavior of your husband. But something I don’t see him in this office and do not hear this desire from him. In fact, your request manipulative: “what buttons do I press to get it to do what I want”. But psychologists do not work.
Q: But I don’t know what I can do. I all the time do the house and child! I’m trying to make her husband comfortable, and he doesn’t want to do anything.
Eyes Vicki had tears in her eyes. She again began to give examples of the “appalling” attitude of her husband. She could not accept the fact that the situation in the family has changed. I interrupted her story.
Y. V.: Vika, I think you should decide. If I were your friend, I would certainly regretted you saying that all men are “free…” and you’re right about everything. But something would have changed? No, perhaps this would be even worse. But if you came to me as a psychologist, then listen to my opinion and accept it.
Almost every family in the period when the child reaches one year old milestone, there is a voltage. This happens almost always, if a child first. In this period the baby grows, he not only to care but also begin to educate. And parents begin to “share power” about how to do it. Both believe that his methods are better and more correct.
J. V.: You “lapped” as parents. The majority of the claims related to the child; you discuss what you’re parents and what was your childhood home, raised the subject of new children; the tension increased when the child became active, began to better understand it. You need to remember that the position of “how to raise a child” is not only you, Vika, but also your husband. Most likely, if he were here, he would be no less convincingly proved why active play with the boy as useful as a “smart and quiet”. Practice of family counseling is almost useless to work with one of the spouses if the issue of family because everyone takes the position: “I am good, he is bad.” But this is not true. When I think of a couple, the woman is surprised to learn that her husband, is also a lot of claims to its behavior. And, interestingly, they are based on real facts. It’s just that she gave more importance to how he abused her and that she hurt not less, as is not taken into account. So now it is useless to talk about the ugly behavior of her husband. Time to introspect.
Q. in fact, we Misha really arguing about how to raise a wolf. And he often disagrees with me. According to him, I pay him too much “Lisp”, try the business world to solve, to persuade, and he can shout. We fight. I still hurts that he is suspended if a wolf cries to say: “If you’re so smart, then she and complacent”.
Yu: He wants you brought up how he sees fit, and to you in his own way. This is a classic “found a cut diamond”. But it also says that you are both active and caring to the child. Moreover, your original claim that Vova Misha is not interesting, broken to smithereens. On the contrary, Mike this topic is important. Otherwise there would be conflict.
I told Victoria about why is a “parent conflict”. Each of us carries a set of beliefs about how to “properly” raise children. First of all, it is based on the experience of the parental family. Thus, the Wiki has an opinion on what should be a good mother, which should not be a good mom how to be a good dad and how not to be a good dad. But the same representation is Misha.
Q. And what do you do? I agree that not always was right that Misha may be an opinion.
J. V.: Yes, Misha is bound to have an opinion. And you need to take for granted: communication with a child a man is able to manifest no less wisdom than a woman. Yes, the parents should agree on common principles of education. But this does not mean that they both should behave “softly” or “harshly”. Maternal and paternal roles vary. The father provides protection, he was the “conductor” of social norms, responsible for the development of “masculine” qualities. Mom shows care, tenderness. You all have to learn, but only if you are willing to observe and treat it with respect. By the way, often men is more respect for the partner as a mother than women.
What I recommend Vick? First, use the time while she is away from husband, to start thinking about his position more respectfully. Cease to cultivate a grudge! She had to get back in a different mood, ready to see her husband as an equal partner to cease to be a “main” parent.
Secondly, together with her husband to consider what each of them have beliefs concerning the parental position, and how you can change them. I offered to do it in writing. Each of them had to write five or six sentences on all counts and appreciate what happened.
Two years later
Sometimes I came on the Internet page of the Wiki: references to the “sharp corners” in relations with her husband became less, and soon they disappeared altogether. Moreover, the description of funny situations in the life of Vova became clear that Mike present in his life one hundred percent. And two years later the family got a little mariska. I am not inclined to overestimate own role. Victoria was a smart woman. She was able to reformulate the inner query with the perspective of “Do something with it, to me it was good” on request “I’m ready to change that in our family all is normal”.
When the child turns a year, every second family is experiencing difficulties. The more contradictions in the basic beliefs, the more acute is the crisis. Moreover, it is compounded by a constant “Groundhog day” the young mother. That starts chronically tired woman thinking: “Not that man has chosen, he’s a bad father.” And if so, then why live with it? Man-that is not correct.
And actually the spouses to negotiate and develop rules of his family, and not to follow blindly a parent experience. He did “good,” and she “good”, but they are different. These difficult times can be paired not as a crisis but as an interaction, if the spouses are ready not only to listen but also to hear each other. Sometimes I need a friendly kick of a psychologist.