“I want a family with him, but he has a dirty past…”

“I want a family with him, but he has a dirty past…”

One of my colleagues asked me to talk to my friend, Alena. When I come to the people through acquaintances, I try to start with a clean slate, having no pregnany. So, Alain, comely brunette, of about 23-25 years, was in my office and began her story.

ALENA: I matured early, and in 10 years I have not become mother. The father could not replace the warmth that I lacked. Since that time, I raised myself. I don’t smoke or drink, lead a healthy way of life, trying not to give up and something to strive for, namely, the family I never had. And now for several years I have had a dream to create such family, which I missed. Namely friendly, loving, full…

Until Alain spoke, I watched her. It felt strong, confident, almost masculine assertiveness. With such clients to work hard — they are one of those who defend their own point of view to the end, not allowing himself to doubt his own conclusions. As a rule, they come to obtain the confirmation: “I’m all right.”

JULIA VASILKINA: Well, the goal of creating a family worthy of his incarnation. So…

A.: But why, much as I greatly wanted, I did not go. When I build relationships with young people for the future, they will disintegrate. I don’t understand why? Or at me something not so, or in them.

YV: Tell us about failed attempts. Who was the initiator of termination of the relationship?

A.: Over the last two years I had two, as I thought, a serious novel. I don’t need a “light” attitude, I always think, could this man be my husband or not. Both novels I lasted about six months, and both times the young people were out of a relationship with the words “I’m not worthy.” Unfortunately, at this point, and I started to think the same way, so parted without special experiences.

J. V.: What you have now in your personal life?

A.: Now I live for two months with a young person with whom such things are looking up. But we often have a conflict situation about my behavior.

J. V.: That, in his opinion, wrong in your behavior?

A.: no, my behavior all the way! I often just, as he says, “sawing” it. But in order to create a family, I need to be sure in it completely.

YV: And there are reasons to distrust?

A.: the fact that he lived a wild life: lots of girls, friends, constant partying, clubs. I suspect that he’s lost, and behind my back he talks to girls.

Alena paused, pointedly looking at me. She didn’t seem alarmed, but rather perturbed. Our conversation continued for a sufficient time, and the girl has never mentioned the name of her friend. Some impersonal attitude. For me this is a sign: the relationship is not all well.

A.: of Course, he says he loves me and also wants a family, serious relationship. He is 25 years old. But one thing confuses me: it continues to communicate in “Schoolmates” and “In touch”, retains all of the photos ex-girlfriends. I don’t understand why all this is why. He chose a new life, so it should be with a clean slate with me, without this dirty past.

My hearing appeared to be the phrase “dirty past.” Need more info to know whether it’s the past so “dirty”.

Y. V.: Alena, please specify what was in his past, so to speak?

A.: Maybe, I compare myself, but I always tried not to waste your time on trifles. I got an early start to work: a day worked, he studied at night. I had no time to even think about entertainment, not about the clubs. And he was under the wing of mom and dad until I was in College, not working, just having fun. Until they met with me every evening after work spent in the company of his friends and “easy to give” girls. But I have tried everything to forgive.

J. V.: now you…

A.: I explain to him and explained many times that will not allow in my life attended his past life: photos, contacts, etc. But he doesn’t understand why I’m so opposed to it. Start conflicts. Please help me to find out, maybe do I wrong?

It is obvious that Alain was waiting for only one: confirmation of their own positions. Well, sometimes you have to disappoint customers. My professional position is honesty.

Y. V.: Well, I must say, Allen, what if it goes further, and this relationship will come to naught. To intervene in the life of a partner at the level of “now I’m going to decide with whom you communicate” is unacceptable. You now rudely invade the personal space of the partner. You somehow decided that “forgive” him for his “dirty” past, but now you can solve for him.

A.: I want to take it past that it didn’t stop us, so he did not return to him!

Yu: the Past is something that cannot be changed. The past is the present. Whatever his past is part of him. Only he can judge what it was. And only the person himself chooses how to live. I believe that in previous relationships was the same: men could not stand the fact that they “forgive you” for something they are not guilty, and trying to redo what could not be changed. If he leaves you, you will certainly be able to stay in the illusion that he was unworthy that he chose “dirty” existence is “friendly, wholesome, loving family.” You too idealize yourself, belittling partner. It like gives you the right to dominate the relationship, to dispose of in his life. But you’re only a man, no better and no worse.

A.: But I really want to realize their dream of a family, which I live in reality!

J. V.: You act as if your partner is unequal to you. Like he’s just part of the plan, like a Ken doll that you can dress up, put in a toy car — and to keep everything under control. You need to learn to respect the person next to you are. If the original can’t respect because of the past or of other parameters, it is better to look “decent”. Or a more realistic view of the world, men and yourself.

Alena tried not to give up their rigid positions. In the end, she grudgingly thanked him for the advice, though, and said that it would be something to think about.

PS: six months later, it turned out that Alena is still on his own initiative, broke up with that young man. New choice from a very good family, successful career. Alena told me that trying to look for and his shortcomings, but remember, “she told the psychologist,” and stops himself. What, then, is not in vain we then spent the time.