Immature relationship: how to grow up in a pair?

Immature relationship: how to grow up in a pair?

The immature attitude

If to consider them from the point of view of the personality structure of E. Bern, the relationships that unfold in the plane of the Parent-Child. Their fundamental feature is that there is no contact at the level of adult – Adult due to the fact that the position of Adult “not activated”.

In an immature relationship the two adults physically present pathological attachment to “child” needs – security, unconditional love, unconditional acceptance.

Why children’s? Because they first appear at an early age and sent to significant others (parents). The inability (for various reasons) to meet these needs in childhood causes them to commit and attempts in subsequent (already adult) to complete the Gestalt.

The needs present in a Mature relationship. Here, however, they are not as “tense”, are not dominant, as in the situation of dependent relations. Dissatisfaction of these needs is reflected in the constant hunger for unconditional love, which the addict persistently tries to meet the expense of their partner.

This gives me reason to characterize such a relationship as immature.

Another feature as a dependent and co-dependent relationships is their complementarity complementarity or otherwise.

The complementarity of these relations is a consequence of the fact that each of the members of the pair is not consistent and harmonious. He identificireba with any one of the polarities of self, rejecting the other. But the other polarity in excess of presented his partner: “the other is something that I have none.” And then intrapersonal disharmonious structure I-parts expanded (projected) outward in the plane of relations. For example, if one of the partners organized, controlling, he will unconsciously choose a partner of the impulsive man, not inclined to control, which requires constant assessment will be attracted to the “master assessments”…

See more article Complementary and Complementary marriages marriages: a psychological portrait of the partners.

In a Mature relationship also involved the position of the Parent and Child, but these positions are rather presented in the form of the game. That is, partners in a Mature relationship, can “play” with each other in Parent – Child, while partners in an immature relationship trying to “play” in an Adult.

Consider the position of Parent – Adult – Child from the point of view of their functions.

The main function of parents is to give. It finds its embodiment in more specific functions: care, custody, control, education, evaluation.

The main function of the Child is to take. Take care, attention, monitoring, care. And there can be two different settings – an obedient child and a disobedient child (the dependence on the adult, or protivopolojnosti). Obedient – takes, need, listen. Naughty – ignores, resists, resents…

The ego States the Parent, the Child is not just a state, but the role positions and role stereotypes. People who are in these States, is a proprietary, automated, programmed. The role algorithmization, it does not require a choice. We call it patterns of behavior. But in fact it is conditioned reflexes.

Ego-state Adult in this respect, is fundamentally different. The leading function of an Adult is a choice: a conscious and responsible. It is necessary to collect information, analyze it, make a decision. Adult is constantly in creative adaptation.

Structure and dynamics of co-dependent relationships

In a codependent relationship roles are rigidly structured and defined. Dependent “plays” the role of a Child (and a bad, unruly Child), co-dependent – Parent. Co-dependent (role of Parents) educates, supervises, teaches, shames, blames. Dependent (from the role of Child) provokes, escapes, shows irresponsibility…

Co-dependent partner is bound to a dependent of this Radialsystem “give”. In working with co-dependent it becomes clear that their fear of loneliness and uselessness grows out of the inability to give anything to. “If you give nothing, you don’t need!”

“If you try, give, we need you”. It gives a feeling of strength, confidence, and even love. In the picture of the world co-dependent “Need” equals “Love”.”Necessary” becomes the leading one in the life of co-dependent. Biggest fear co-dependent to meet the experience “I do not need.” Dependent, in turn, wholly providing that navstrechu, because they are constantly in need, living with the installation of “Want and “I should”.

Co-dependent is unable to be in the Child’s position. He can’t take, take just this: attention, love, care, help. All this in his picture of the world must be earned. Have co-dependent in his history is the history of early adulthood. In psychology, this phenomenon is known as parentification. This kid is not digrassi not lived the full period of childhood. Period careless, carefree state where you love and give to you just because you’re a child love and give unconditionally.

During this period, it is the fixation on this kind of “adult” behavior, literally, by type of education of the conditioned reflex: tried, deserve – get your candy! This way of relationships with loved ones becomes automatic and is not recognized. Co-dependent clients when you start to think about their behavior in therapy, often can not understand: Why do I need it? For what I’m trying? What do I have?

Dependent member of the couple, as I wrote above, is constantly in the position of the Child.And the Child is naughty, provocative, runaway. It has its own history and its own in this psychodynamics. He in his childhood was never sure that important object it will not give up and constantly checked throw that will not leave? For him “love – not Love?” transformed into “will throw you will not throw?”.

Here and in the adult (but immature) way he routinely provokes its co-dependent partner runs off with an eye and run over it mommy? He fears most that he will throw. Co-dependent, does not allow him to face that fear, constantly clinging to him. However, the sense of security of Love, the dependent can only give the substance, not the person. Still man in his experience is unreliable.

Structure and dynamics of dependent relationships

The relationship between the dependent pairs is more complex. In a dependent relationship there is a rotation of role positions. Each of the partners may act in the role of the Child in the role of a Parent. What they fail to do so is to meet at the level of adult – Adult. This “unequal” or inclined relationship. Partners are constantly moving from the position of the Child at the position Parent. This position is unstable.

Detail the dynamics of the relationship dependent partners described in the articles nothing complementary to marriage: the tale of the fisherman and the fish , Doomed the relationship: hope trap, Double trap relationships, etc. on this topic.

And dependent and co-dependent partners there is a lack of unconditional love and unconditional acceptance. They differ only in the different ways of preparation. A co-dependent relationship chooses to be a good Parent, regardless of the substances – to be a bad Child, dependent relationships – be it Parent, Child.

Growing up in a relationship? Areas of work

The basic strategy for these clients and in life, and therapy to learn to get out of role-playing the positions of Parent and child in the position of an Adult.

The process of delayed maturation can be triggered as a result of certain life events (crises of life) under condition of presence at the person of reflection, and the situation of therapy. While each of the partners voluntarily remains in its position (together with-dependent – dependent), or the position of the synchronous changes (paired two-dependent relationship), the system is in a balanced state, the game fails. But only one of the partners begins to “come out” of his role for the system is threatened.

Usually originally begins to “Mature” someone is one of the partners. He has personal boundaries, personal interests, desires, and it is unbearable for his partner. And here “the harmony” of complementary pairs is broken.

For couples it is always a risk. The usual current system collapses. In such a situation are two outputs: the system can either completely destroyed or will remain, thoroughly rebuilt.

And here much will depend on the “maturing” of the partner: how he himself will be able to hold the position of Adult and “invite” your partner there. To do this, it can use its own new experience of making their reject parts received or in situations of therapy, either because of a successful stay crises of identity.

His super objective in relationships is to remain in the position of an Adult falling to the position of the Parent, which, as a rule, spitalska. This is possible in a continuous cultivation setup non-violent attitude to the partner. It is important, being in a relationship, to learn to offer, to invite, to wait and not to give the nod violently!Invitation – Adult position. To offer partner the opportunity to choose, to decide. While to get, to instruct, to teach, to change, to salvage – is the position of Parent. This position is supported by the setting: “You must be the way I see you!”, “You must change!”

As soon as the installation of “give” to Another, the relationship is the violence or manipulation. It is already the Parent position, the position is in fact arrogant, stemming from the idea that with my partner is something wrong! If this position is somehow justified in a real relationship with an adult and child, between two adults, it’s inappropriate. Violence, manipulation, coercion always causes resistance, protest. Even if the partner externally and agree to accept something, then later he will find the opportunity to give – to revenge, to win.

Another direction, this work can be study and study of plants to adulthood and adulthood.

Maturity customers have described is often associated with fears: responsibility, hard life, financial problems, domestic concerns…. At the first stage it is important to explore and work through the fears associated with growing up. These fears can be the result of a personal negative experience of “meetings” with adulthood, either as the result of “infection” negative with respect to adult life from significant others.

In the second stage, it is important to discover the “bonus” of adulthood (independence, freedom, choice, reliance on oneself), which is initially not visible because of fears.

Troubled relationship as a couple is a tough problem for partners. And don’t always have the patience to deal with it. However, when partners have a mutual desire to preserve the relationship, there is always a chance. Moreover, there is always the opportunity to seek professional help.

I have described only General outlines several strategies dependent pair. If this topic will be of interest, I’ll write a sequel.

Love yourself!

News tags