To meet with Pauline asked me a friend. According to her, she needed urgent help. Problems in the family. Well, this concept can be attached to anything. We met with Pauline a few days. A young woman, 25-26 years old in appearance. But in the eyes of pain and suffering, which made her a little older. I asked her to tell me about the nature of the problem, which she wanted to discuss.
POLINA: I’ve been married for six years. At least for now. A child, son Michael, he was five years old. And now I’m pregnant for nine weeks.
Polina began to sob, she needed time to calm down again and start talking. And while I could speculate what it was that she came to me. Almost certain – with the theme of her husband’s infidelity.
I listened and Pauline continued the story. After learning about the pregnancy, it is a few weeks was flying on wings. Complete happiness: a good family, love, the firstborn happy, baby. But suddenly, like an ax head. Corny – saw text messages in my husband’s phone: “baby I miss you, when will I see you? The whole”. Caller – Abracadabra Latin letters. For Polina, the whole world turned upside down. Randomness is excluded – then the number would be undefined. And he’s already three months constantly delayed at work! Pauline was trying to figure out who it is. Even dialed the number. Answered a female voice she didn’t say anything, hung up. Although I wanted to say: “Bitch, leave my husband. It will soon become a father!” But decided not to make contact, as he was not sure that this is correct.
JULIA VASILKINA: Pauline, I sympathize with your situation. Of course, suspicions of infidelity of her husband, and even during pregnancy, can be an ordeal. But let’s clarify: you have only a suspicion, but it is not the facts. SMS, of course, eloquent, but it does not mean that her husband is cheating. It may not be moderately exalted person who made wrong conclusions from perfectly innocent signs of attention to it. Sometimes relationships are in the format of only TEXT communication, which is sometimes hot, but is just entertainment, though doubtful. There are times when “something” begins, but I have not come to physical infidelity. And the betrayal the betrayal – hatred. Is the concept of “accidental” contact is committed under the influence of the time when a man sees a woman only as an object of desire. There is a short “sexual adventure” when a man is infatuated but not in love and not thinking to leave my wife. And there are extramarital Affairs, this is a more serious format, but they not always assume the feeling that would lead to the break of the previous marriage.
P.: I have already thought about it. So I want to talk to him and find out. I guess I need help to do it “right”. Wrote for several women’s forums, described the situation. Who regrets, who says “drop it now”. How to throw? We have a child and I’m pregnant. Who is the opposite – “be quiet, don’t say anything” who tells the mistress of hair to tear out. In General, little help, wounds only deepen this conversation.
J. V.: Yes, the forums are something. There all smart and they all know what to do. And a lot of aggression, without accounting for “provisions”. Right, because you stopped there to look for the truth. In addition to forums, some other steps have you taken?
P.: Rather no than Yes. Walk, smile, caring, but at heart still hurts. Periodically I’m so angry that I want to give him the scandal – with swords drawn, collecting suitcases and the words: “you will Not see me nor the baby.” Want to call his mother to tell a son she raised. But gradually the anger gives way to fear. What if he really take a suitcase and leave? And not to the mother, what about her? And then thought: no, without a fight! Constantly am suffering: what he see in her? Why did you decide to replace me with her? It is such that I was unable to give him? Don’t understand. He claims I did not show. I believed that we all just couldn’t be better, love and understanding. And that’s how it turned out. Even flashed a seditious thought that I won’t be able to raise two children alone, if he leaves. It is impossible to think about it, but then it will be reasonable to have an abortion while it is still early. Cry when I think about it. I already love your “tummy”. When a friend advised me to consult a psychologist, I grabbed the idea. Please help.
Of course, cheating (if she was) does not happen “from scratch”. It is always something precedes in the relations of spouses. But I decided not to pry. First, it is not clear whether there was cheating or not. Secondly, it is obvious that our communication with Polina will have a “quick” format of one, maximum of two meetings. And start “a session of psychoanalysis”, which will be impossible to complete – not too constructive. So I decided to choose a strategy “to go from the problem”: very locally to address the situation and, most importantly, to set Pauline on the conversation so that it turned out to be most fruitful.
Y. V.: Pauline, this is very serious. You need to initially tune that any decisions that you do. I’ll give you the objective information you own. We can think about further course of action based on your decisions. The important thing now is for further work to understand do you preserve the pregnancy. Of course, it can only be your decision. But it is the cornerstone. No need to put a child’s life is dependent on whether your husband has an affair or not. Future life is very serious.
P.: of Course I want to continue the pregnancy. I’m just afraid that she will not do it.
Yu: the fact that if you go into the conversation with her husband in confidence that you keep the pregnancy, then your position is much more significant and serious. As for the “can’t cope”, then think, whether so it actually. Perhaps, and certainly, there are people around you who can help you.
P.: Actually, there is, of course. My parents. Yes, and with his parents I have always had a good relationship. In the end, child support. Perhaps we need to assume that I’ll be a mom for the second time!
Yu: Another important point. To live in a situation of uncertainty is possible, but difficult. For pregnant it’s really dangerous. Uncertainty provokes the imagination, and they in such cases are much worse than reality. Therefore, uncertainty is the source of constant and very high stress, dangerous for the baby. Much stronger than stress “one-time” associated with serious conversation. Whatever the result of the conversation, it is a certainty, and therefore, it becomes clear what to do next. Although continues a difficult period, but its intensity is already below.
P.: I’m inclined to conversation. But, as already said, afraid of the certainty. Although, of course, agree that fantasy is plagued by terrible! Then a woman will submit to him, then another. It seems already that I hundreds to change!
J. V.: that’s the point! Therefore, I recommend you don’t delay the conversation. But you need to consider. Tell us what kind of person your husband? You both act as if relationships are the problem?
P.: as for husband, he the person flexible, calm. We usually discuss if there is some kind of problem or question. Often I have, therefore, the initiator I. He calmly listens. And then the conversation is too quiet, he tries not to be annoyed and “puts out” my anger. But how will this time, I don’t know. Themes of jealousy or infidelity in our family has ever encountered.
Y. V.: to make the conversation go smoothly you have a good background. Your family decided to discuss difficult moments is the experience of how to do it effectively. Your husband is usually in the position of “peacemaker” and it is also a positive point.
So, the conversation. Together we formulated several principles to which Pauline had to take, so…
1. To choose the place and time.
To determine when both spouses have enough time for such a conversation and both are not too tired. In any case, no need to start a conversation “on the run”, obeying the impulse. Polina had a few extra points because she chose the place and time. I was reminded that it is not necessary to prepare in advance of her husband. Men hate the phrase “We need to discuss our relationship”, and excessive voltage will be a hindrance.
2. To formulate in advance how to start a conversation.
You need to describe the situation as it is: Pauline accidentally saw an SMS from her husband in the phone. To quote the text. And briefly to ask, “What does that mean?”
3. Outline a list of questions.
Certainly, Polina has further questions in connection with this situation. Better to record them, not to forget to ask. In addition, it will help a woman to better control himself.
4. Try to remain calm.
Pauline used that the husband is the peacemaker in your family. But this time things may be different, as he will have to be in the role of “the accused”. So you need to tune to keep my emotions under control. Tears, tantrums will only hurt productive conversation.
5. His vision for the future.
Whatever the conversation was and whatever we find out, you need to ask him to “draw” the future of relations.
Yu: And I want to draw your attention. During the conversation you can understand that the husband telling lies or half-truths. Oddly enough, but it’s a positive sign from the point of view of family preservation. If a man changes and is ready to make a decision about leaving his wife, he is unlikely to Dodge. He will be relieved that there is nothing more to hide no need. But the man protecting the place the family will make every effort not to recognize what it was. If this turn of conversation arises, decide in advance whether to seek the whole truth or to calm down only a part of it.
Pauline left significantly more relaxed than in the beginning of the conversation. But while her life has not changed? So yeah not so! She realized that it much depends on the outcome of the situation may well be positive.
P. S. If communication with the client is “extra-short” format, it is not always possible to obtain “feedback”. Just no time to form the amount of trust that will tell you what you need to tell the expert what happened as a result. And sometimes clients are embarrassed to “bother” technician again, is not confident that he is interested in the continuation of the story. I want to note: the psychologist is always interesting! And he will be willing to spend a little time on the phone call or reading the letter to know the advice helped or not.
Pauline, thankfully, turned out to be one of those rare customers that give feedback. She decided to talk. First the husband denied it, but Pauline felt that he is cheating. Her female intuition told me that before physical infidelity are unlikely to come down, but “something” was. Then my husband “split”, said a former classmate, a married woman, she has children that she did not think of the family to leave (read: “no danger”). What he had with her and “was nothing”, except for meetings at a cafe. That she was active, was upset with his wife and constantly complained about him to her husband of Pauline. In General, the lamb, free “vest”. He wasn’t even supposed to leave my wife.
Whether there was cheating or not, the woman is difficult to know for sure. Some men lie so that it is impossible not to believe. And some say the truth, that only reinforces the suspicion. But it is important that both parties are in open contact with myself and the problem. Of the men, having gone through that kind of exposure, are much more serious about family life. They no longer perceive the campaigns “on the left” as a fun distraction and avoid them. The most difficult thing after the topic of infidelity has been raised, is the restoration of trust in the relationship. Sometimes it takes more than one year. But Pauline is more did not appeal to me. Hopefully she’s felt the strength to continue to act independently.