OUR PSYCHOLOGY: it is Difficult to argue that sex and even the thought of it is inextricably linked with physicality and the physical attraction of the partner. This is really the most important?
INNA ROIZMAN: I may now refer to some obvious things. But they often say my clients.
The natural beauty is wonderful, of course. However, men focused absolutely not on facial features, height or slenderness. Good news, right? Even in choosing a partner for a burdensome relationship, the man is not looking for perfect data, which are called “model”. A man attracted to a very simple and clear things in a woman: smile, friendly facial expressions, open posture, relaxed body language – everything has to say that a woman is ready to communicate, it easy that it will not “load”. Struggle with extra pounds, wrinkles or natural hair color looks completely meaningless if no smile, and the woman does not show any sincere interest in communication. If we turn to the masters of sexology, will dispel the illusion many adherents training sessions, “the disclosure of femininity” and “awaken the inner goddess”. As said Sergei Agarkov, for example: “…it’s routine recommendations, like dinner by candlelight, with the use of erotic lingerie or sexy fitness in the spirit of “Kama Sutra”. Moreover, extravagance or annoying change of position may aggravate the sensation of sensory dissonance and the inadequacy of the situation.”
NP: You now with one easy movement destroyed that universal magic, which believes the majority of women!
I. R.: It’s not me, it’s a classic of sexology, Sergey Agarkov.
NP: Is physical imperfections do not affect the appearance of sexual desire in men?
I. R.: I am constantly convinced of this. Every day I come very different people with a variety of questions to yourself, to your partner, to the world in General. And my long-term observations indicate that at the forefront of absolutely other things, such as cleanliness, grooming. This point is read quite unconsciously, there is no logic. The reaction occurs in the ancient cerebral cortex is responsible for simple reflexes. We can say that it is a completely instinctive process, which starts automatically. The man reads the story about how “she’s not able to take care of themselves, and hence about me, and about the possible offspring.” The vast majority of men is most clearly singled out this fact as extremely important. That is, you know, how often is it found? Feeling well-groomed body is capable to kill any desire, attraction, interest.
NP: it Turns out that the main frustration in men begin well before sexual activity? And the blame is much more simple things than people think?
I. R.: I will not discover America if I say that sex starts in the brain. He analyzes all incoming signals as positive, negative, inspires action or triggering the alarm. Why sexual problems occur, first in the head, and then acquire physiological expression in the form of erectile dysfunction, for example. For any man, even a hint of sexual inadequacy killer. Falling confidence, there is a lot of doubts and fears. And the fear and sex are not compatible. Desire disappears, there is growing anxiety, and sex gradually disappears from the life of men. It is no secret that sex and work are two of the most important areas in the life of any man only through them it can be fully realized. If where-that begins to “fail”, the problem is growing like an avalanche, psychological balance is disturbed.
NP: but what about the fears about?
I. R.: the Nature of fears of various. Some may, on the contrary, to diversify the sexual life. For example, the fear of being “caught” during sexual intercourse in a public place. Sex in the airport as an option can stimulate powerful adrenaline rush. This is a positive fear, if I may say so. And there is a very heavy, long-lasting, oppressive fears, which are capable of destroying all sexual relationships in a man’s life. For example, a trigger – “we need to talk.” This phrase that I really love women who can ruin any intimacy. Or excessive female activity. Note – excessive. Also, I would say, not the best companion in getting sexual satisfaction. Do not confuse real life with porn. If a woman decided that the right approach to the man “I want you everywhere, always and seven times a day”, but forgot to clarify whether her temperament with the partner, men inevitably, there is a fear of intimacy. Fear of being not up to par, fear not meet the expectations of the female partner, fear of lack of an erection – a lot of that can scare a man next to a hyperactive jenshinoi. For him physical pleasure and rush of adrenaline, the endorphins, the hormonal surge is too important and requiring attention action.
It may seem unexpected, but in sex a man seeks not so much to the satisfaction of basic needs as self-expression and… comfort. Hunter, the winner, the conqueror – he was in bed waiting for dialogue. Trophy in the form of “real estate”, not responding to affection, it does not suit. Any man needed lively and natural response from the woman he chose.
In this sense, a very curious example of the behavior of prostitutes in Thai brothels. Girls there first behave quite independently, cold, even inaccessible, and then become clients for gentle, protective friend, not load problems, listening, sympathetic, completely open to any suggestions in sex. Not surprisingly, after “sessions,” many Europeans and Americans continue to send “alimony” for a long time! And it’s hard to imagine that a brisk Metropolitan business lady, which, alas, is unable to switch to the role of the affectionate mistress, may seek from men of such devotion even after a few nights of love (not to mention one).
SEX? IT’S SCARY
The syndrome of the troublesome expectation of sexual failures manifests itself in doubt about the sexual intercourse. Increased anxiety makes it impossible: sexual arousal and the erection disappears. In some cases, the syndrome of the troublesome expectation becomes the basis for the development of coitophobia – obsessive fear of sexual intercourse. Anxiety phobic disorders make up 50% of references to the sexologist. According to research conducted in different countries, neurotic disorders in the form of anxiety phobic and obsessive-phobic symptoms are the core symptom in 30% of sexual patients, and accompanying – almost 90 %.
NP: in Other words, a male boss can stay in bed “the main” and the woman simply has to be flexible?
I. R.: If you do not complicate, Yes. Of course, we are all very individual. But my extensive practice that includes the treatment of not only sexual, but also problems in relationships, allows you to make some generalizations.
The most common request my clients is associated with a loss of attraction to his wife men after forty years, while being happily married to a smart and beautiful woman. Omitting the details, I can say that most often it is due to the change of social roles. Let’s say he changed or left a job, is in search of himself, began to look for new Hobbies, and the wife at this point, in contrast, got a career, freed from obligations to children, for example.
What’s going on? The man is at the borderline and it has not received from his wife to the usual support from the rear. Starts a mechanism of self-doubt, a transfer of sexual relations, there is fear of not satisfy your partner, do not justify her expectations. But if it already happened once, and the sex ceases to beckon, as a reaction to the unpleasant events of all people are the same: to avoid repetition of failures. The output from this situation only one: to re-instill in man the confidence to make him feel in control, including over their own bodies. Be it dancing, Boxing, skiing, or something else – not so important. The main thing – that man again felt on a horse. And then “trick”.
THE MAIN KILLERS OF MEN’S DESIRE:
Insincerity and theatricality of the poses and gestures repels most men. All kinds of women’s training “Become the wife of an oligarch in 8 minutes”, suggesting withholding sex lead to affectedness in bed. To apply the received knowledge only if they are really close to the woman, or the partner will feel like a hero of a cheap porno movie and prefer to leave the set.
Slave of love
Choosing the role of victim (“you’re using me for pleasure”), women forget that at the same time cause the man protest. No one wants to feel guilty of others ‘ suffering (especially in the sex that involves just the joint pleasure).
Who is the chief?
The command process or excessive activity push men away because of two reasons: a) they don’t feel attention to them by women, b) they fear not to meet the expectations of the female partner. And here is close to the “syndrome of anxious waiting of failure”.
Pending the discussion of domestic and family problems after sex establishes the conditional reflex “after a moment of fireworks followed by a dull domestic pressure”. And each time the desire for “magical” marital act will be less.
Lexicon – a kind of dress code. Applied not at the time the slang causes stupor. Unacceptable to varying degrees and “pistons” with “jackhammers” and the impersonal “Bunny” and “Pusic”, unless it is your unique finds.
A diary of observations
Our brain is equipped with a wonderful mechanism – mirror neurons that allow us, after watching someone “try on” his behavior. The b & b is no exception: it is necessary to notice moments of pleasure partner and “mirror” them to obtain mutual pleasure.
Schedule of visits
The lack of spontaneity or deprivation of freedom of action (“honey, I’m ovulating, we need to make a baby”) is unacceptable, because the man is not a robot, and a hunter. Deprive of his natural instincts and deny himself sex.
But beautiful lay!
Not to be confused with inaccessibility at the time of flirt with hard to get directly in bed. Real or imaginary coldness sends a signal – I have sex with you are not interesting, and desire disappears.
The same case when it is better to remain silent
Comparing with the exes and the stories of others (even in a negative way) due to women’s insecurity, zero erection. A moment of intimacy, of course, a rapprochement followed frankness. But the brain, splashing oxytocin – the bonding hormone, deprives us of logic and sobriety of judgment. And it is unnecessary, what will be said (especially about the “former”), it will be impossible to cross.