Sitting in front of me a man tight with a very pleasant smile. He is about 40 years old, dressed with taste. And of course, a bit nervous before to share with a female psychologist with their problem…
Paul: my wife and I are already 17 years we have a son, he is 16 years old. His wife, Marina, is a teacher close to home. And I’m a police major and work part time fixing cars familiar.
A rare phenomenon, when a customer (especially a man) says that he cares that at the beginning of the consultation. Women-clients, sharing the problem, they say a lot and at a quicker pace, so the localized problem can quickly. But with men increasingly difficult: they are concise and, even when they come to therapy, are not always ready to the statement is necessary.
P.: I can’t understand what is happening in the relationship with his wife. More precisely, in my attitude to her. I, as already said, we work hard to provide for his family, especially son soon to go to College and lot of money is spent on Tutors. Marina also works a lot, but still comes much earlier. And my son is grown now, nannies are required. In the last year I began to ask myself the question: who am I for your wife?
Well, Paul is in the same “middle age,” characterized by a crisis, a reassessment of what happens in life. And it often affects the relationship with spouse. The familiar becomes the object of careful analysis.
P.: it seems to Me that the wife for me just want money. Maybe not only, but mostly something that I get. For example, my ability to drive, to go shopping or to the country. My strength to drag the furniture or dig up the garden under her favorite rose. My ability to cook, to get me to Sabbath dinner. Lately it seems to me that she talks to me only when she need me. Now there is a saying: “use me”. So I sometimes wonder if she loves me still or just “use”?
Julia Vasilkina: what do you expect from your wife?
P.: I would like to ask how I was doing when I come home from work. Of course, I tell myself, but I would like to she asked. I would like to see more she praised me. I really am worthy of it: trying to make money so she could dress nicely, cook well, help her. But it seems to be taking this for granted. But don’t forget to indicate if you do something wrong. I would like to better take care of me. I don’t see what she was waiting for me when I come home the food is often not ready, the apartment was not cleaned.
Y. V.: When family life problems, it is imperative that occurs in a sexual relationship…
P.: In General, everything is fine. One or two times a week and mostly on my initiative. But here I have a question: I wonder whether I’m like her man, or is it just a habit on her part? Why it does not show initiative? If I don’t start then nothing will. I even sometimes think that she feels relieved, realizing that today I will not be active.
YV: And there is something in what the wife is active?
P.: It often takes theatre tickets, especially loves Opera. Some of the performances I like, especially Comedy. But from operas and dramas, I start to fall asleep. The exhibition pulls me, and I was not very interested, and tired badly want this weekend to relax. Marina is unhappy, says: “do not develop”.
J. V.: If to formulate briefly what you would like in the relationship with his wife?
P.: Caring, delicious food, interest in my Affairs. And yet: to stop me “develop” and I could relax as he want. I would be happy with her through the woods, walked, and not on the show! And of course, that sometimes was active in sex.
Y. V.: well, the goal you have. And what you’ve done to achieve it? You tried to convey his desires to his wife?
AP: (thinking): of Course, what I told her. Recently, for example, that it would be nice if she took initiative in sex. At first she is a little offended. After a few days, the Marina staged a “romantic evening”, but (blame)… I was so tired that fell asleep while she was in the bathroom. She was very offended, and after that no initiative was not, even though I apologized.
YV: what else did he tell her?
P.: Once we had a conversation in a raised voice, when I didn’t want to go on Saturday for another exhibition. I had to do the car to a friend, for which, by the way, could get a good amount. She said I was just hiding in the garage, not to rest together with her, and I could not resist and said that I was tired to rest just as she says. If I work in the police, this does not mean that I have bad intelligence. Incidentally, I have higher education!
J. V.: do you Have expectations of his wife, but she doesn’t know about them because you never told her about it in such a way that she could accept and not be offended. To talk about what’s important to you in relationships, does not match any method “only timid attempts,” nor the method “it is said in the heat of the moment”. It is important to build a constructive conversation. Unfortunately, many people are susceptible to several illusions: “the partner can guess what I think” and “partner knows what I need, but just doesn’t do it”. In fact, your wife should receive information about what is important to you, from yourself. As to “use” this, on this occasion we can say the following. Each of us, being in a relationship, something to give the partner something takes. Only the balance of “give and take” allows the relationship to develop. Moreover, each partner has to give a little more than received. How do you think your wife is something you give?
P.: I Think so. She cleans, cooks, helps me choose clothes, we do a lot together in the country. We have sex, and quite good, though familiar. And yet the desire to give me “cultural development”…
J. V.: that’s often the problem! Partner tries to give not what another is really important and what he considers important. And misses the target! You both make this blunder. Your wife is trying to arrange activities, but it is not interesting for you. And you are trying to earn more, although your wife might would like to spend this time with you, even the price of lost rubles. And it may be that she thinks, are you using it as a housewife. It can also ask yourself whether it is interesting to you as a person if you are not ready to share her Hobbies. So you both aspire for love and both show love, but signal not reach!
P.: What can we do?
Y. V.: to Choose the time to talk with each other. To voice their concerns and, most importantly, expectations. Be prepared to hear her response expectations. And most importantly, remember that you and her will need to find a common solution. Marina loves and cherishes family. Maybe she can reallocate their time to more take care of you, will support you. Will be able, if necessary, to overcome some shyness to take the initiative in sex. But you will have to do no less for her to realize that it is important that you do not attach importance or that are considered part of your “education”.
Of course, two pages of printed text, it is difficult to hold a conversation that lasted more than an hour. So, I hope that readers and colleagues will forgive me for some “sketchy”. Of course, we talked with Paul about what “use” when one is clearly more “takes”, not “paying” virtually nothing in return, but also enjoys the manipulation to continue to achieve the usual benefits.
Paul decided that all the wife does not use it. Of course, discussed how to build a constructive conversation, after selecting time. We talked about personal responsibility, about relationships — “team game”, and there is no one “right” and the other “guilty”.