It seems that after the breakup you are ready for a new relationship and wondering where to take them. Or is it not ready yet? We offer you to read a very personal story of Alexandra Yakovleva editor of TV channel “Rain” and the recommendations of the psychologist-psychotherapist Andrey Golub.
To die and be born again
At the age of 20 I got married – love. We were students, just gave birth to a daughter. It was very cool, all of our adult life happened together. We lived 16 years, then my husband fell in love and went away – when the son was three years old, a daughter 14. After my divorce, I was, of course, very bad, very bad. Before the break we were arguing a lot, I didn’t understand it, then it turned out that it’s not about me. Although me too – I was very busy with the baby, lifestyle, family.
The divorce is always to blame for both, I realized that later, but first very was sorry for myself.
In the divorce process there were many difficult moments. I went on a journey, to training some walked, trying to escape. Say that you need to look for new experiences to distract. I agree that a new experience is helpful. After a breakup have to do four important things: to begin repairs, to change jobs, to surround myself with admirers, to travel. To switch and not to dwell on the trouble. Was that really a problem – we’ve been through.
To lose deep intimate relationship is insanely painful. But be aware that this is not the end, that whole life ahead. Yes, I have to recover, the pain pereplet and must suffer to let go. Have to die and be born again, and it’s scary. To otherevery important. I’m emotional, can’t keep grudges for long. And the one who saves, not divided, is wound in itself, it may be for years to stretch. Negativity closes the opportunity to see the world if you don’t give yourself the opportunity to heal. The temperature was initially supposed to be 40°C. my temperature was soaring, and it all lasted not one month.
Divorce is always a crisis, no matter whether dispersed the people peacefully or with conflict, it needs to survive. Big mistake – once “jump into” in a new relationship, it is only the desire to hide from difficult feelings. At parting, the loss – he was gone, she or both decided – it is necessary to proveravati.
There are five stages of grief, and how painful was the gap, the more important it is to live all the stages, and there is no “right” time.
- Denial like an ostrich, hiding my head.
- Anger – anger at themselves and others.
- Bargaining – an attempt to “negotiate” with destiny.
- Depression – when we grieve for a lost fortune.
- Then there is adoption.
But the stage is conditional, the order can be anything, and while there is at least one, the mountain is not over. And suspicious, if after 20 years of marriage, the man feels only the happiness of freedom. It is running away from his feelings. It is important to be aware of yourself. What I feel, feel? Definitely not only joy and ease, probably hurt, and sadness, and guilt. Do not run away from these States.
I knew what I was looking for
Alexander: the Paradox was that me and my ex husband and I were each other’s first serious feeling that immediately created a family in the 35 years I was able girls. Didn’t know how to go on dates, do not understand how to someone to keep, what to do with this unexpected freedom. And from well I was so grown up, held the mother of two children, with a wealth of life experience – and such a mismatch of pictures inside and out was very traumatic for me.
How to explain that I fall into a stupor when a man tries to take my hand? When I started to allow myself to look at men as potential partners, I realized that they can not imagine, so I’m vulnerable, inept at relationships. Friend said – lucky, ahead of romance, but I was angry that I have to “attach” that I wasn’t ready, the male attention is scary. It was a horror! But realized that I need to live this experience to gain.
It began a conditional compensatory period of life where I began to accumulate what was not in my youth, while classmates were falling in love and breaking up. Was fun with friends, and discos with friends, and Dating sites – that’s scary at first, then disgusted, then curious. I met, talked, learned to build the communication “man-woman” learned gradually that people are all so different. Formed queries, I realized what I want.
And Yes, I found the man of my dreams. Not immediately, but I’m sure we met, because not stood, and walked towards each other. We met on the Internet. Is it right? All right, what can make you happy. Society rushed forward from the point of view of communication systems, all communicating in instant messengers, meet in applications. There is a stereotype that the Internet for “easy” relationship, but it’s not. I have not been a problem to seek adventure or to keep unpleasant conversations. I was interested to communicate important intelligence, and its presence is seen on the first phrases.
No matter the communication is not a problem. We all have different goals, some like to meet new people, coffee, talking.I was in no hurry to meet, I had to first understand what kind of person. I didn’t hide that he was looking for a serious OTNOShENIYa I had a list of what I want from my man, forty. This is such a personal psychotherapy in fact, in detail to visualize everything – otherwise you get wrong. It is important to record not on what man should be, and what you want him to be near you. After bad experiences complement, cleaned the points. Then even forgot what the list is, however, all coincided on a huge number of points!
Andrey Golub: When there are too detailed search criteria, reduced the chance to experience live contact, your response. The man is still not a smartphone, it is hard to describe criteria or to treat as an object, if you want to find a close, native person, to which you will experience feelings, a clear list of expectations is unlikely to help. A close relationship is always mentally intimate relationship, which is very important sensual area in a common space between two people. Unfortunately, many prefer the rational approach, we are different and not taught, the sensual world is locked, from what one sees relationships only through the “keyhole”.
It is important that the focus not directed at the partner, but for themselves. It is important to develop contact with ourselves, the ability to hear themselves, their feelings, emotions, reactions, sensations.Then when communicating with a person you understand well if you if there is sincere sympathy, interest, and if not, an alarm “I do not fit”, there will be the opportunity to say that don’t like it. It is impossible, unfortunately, in human relationships to embrace all of the criteria, but you can and should learn to trust yourself. When calibrated, this internal barometer, you will definitely find “their” man.
I really like it
Alexander: Generic search no. After reflection and on the advice of friends, I set myself a Dating app. This man was the second with whom we coincided sympathy, he wrote, I replied. And he undertook me! And I needed to make me “come”. I liked the fact that many talked to me. We immediately began to chat excitedly – about music, books, everything.
He said: “I Want to go to the organ concert, will you go?” I also wanted said so, not because to please, really wanted! We met, went to Bach. Agreed that if each other did not like, to be honest about this immediately. But everything went fine. He’s also divorced with two children and it was in my items to a man has life experience, so he knew what the pain of parting, to understand about the children. We are not halves, we whole – spouse needs support, and I can stand on two legs and want to share my life with a whole person. However, we met before your first date – I got on the road out of gas (has never happened, I’m very organized!), he came with the canister.
“His” people feel it’s true. I liked that he says and does that easy. We had Breakfast, had dinner, went to a concert, and two weeks later he rented the apartment next to me. At first I wondered what he was looking for an apartment in my area, but he honestly said: “I find it difficult to travel far, tired, want more time to be with you.” Noticed that mine is a little strained, he said: “You this is to what does not oblige”. I like that it is integrity and honesty.
My son asked recently: “when Misha, you are in love?” Mike says that he fell in love as soon as I saw and understood the correspondence. And I… “love” and “love” for each means something different. Yes, I still fall in love, every day. You want to know, want to spend time. Some people think: you’re in love – and here it, happiness, hitting you.But it’s work everyday! I want every day to fall in love. Even fairy tales tell children: “the Prince rode behind the Princess, overcome difficulties, fought with the dragon, she was waiting for him”. Well wait, then what? “Happily ever after” – but the most important as they lived. Myself I know that I with this person just want to live day by day, and the days are different.
A year later he moved in. Our children became friends. I was important to people were comfortable not only to me but to the kids, they are for me the most important thing. Our space is not created for two, and for all. Together, we spend weekends, vacations, holidays. His daughter gave me a card, I almost cried: she wrote wish to her dad and then were together. The son on a family holiday said, “I Want you Misha faster married.” Everyone laughs, and I’m glad – so, the son sees him as a person wants to live.
We’ve been together two and a half years, me ask – did about the wedding. Yes, we do talk all the time.I like that next to me the man has something to talk about. Both had a long marriage and painful divorce, we both realize how valuable we have found each other. I don’t have that dream wedding dress. Have a dream that we were able to keep it all to old age, it is work, but worth it. Son in the kitchen asked him: “You’re mother is going to marry?” – “I will”. “When?” – “Well, – speaks, – I would propose, if my mother would agree – let’s get married.” Son to me: “Mom, if Mike you make an offer, you agree?” I laugh, “Well, have to think, what do you suggest?” – “Do this!” I’m glad it’s not the end of the story, and her middle. I believe in love – and that life after divorce is not the end.
Andrey Golub: How to understand that you are ready for a relationship? When there is willingness to share, and take, a willingness to jointness and commonality – but there is self-sufficiency. And the intimacy, the sincerity is not a quick process. Any relationship is always a risk of uncertainty and possible pain.
It is an illusion that a happy relationship is conflict-free.”We have this understanding, we think about one” – of course, at the initial stage people merge into “we” idealize each other, you see more matches, and then the difficulties, grievances, because everyone is different. Relations can not develop, not because you do something wrong, or “fate,” or the partner is not suitable, but because of your or his fear of intimacy, fear to open up, to experience the disappointment of being rejected.
Too strong desire for relationships, too active “casting” can frighten men. Not pushing!
It is not necessary to be completely indifferent, not to show any interest. The invitation to dialogue, flirt, great.
Requirements should not appear before the contact. Do not just require guarantees of a serious relationship, give yourself and men a chance to consider each other.
Contact begins where people begin to communicate easily, naturally, exploring each other and their reactions. Do not rush, but respond to their new feelings.