Intimacy is what we seek in relationships that fear of losing that experience as valuable, or even good luck. We know that intimacy is easy to destroy, and yet make mistakes that put the relationship in jeopardy. What can we learn from the experience couples who are really good together? Psychologist Ilya Latypov offers your answers.
Not all of our friends and relatives we can call close people – only those who are very dear to us, communication that makes us strong and mostly positive emotions. We strive to find intimacy in a relationship, but it is, unfortunately, often does not occur or is lost with age.
Someone complains that “was the stuff of life” or routine killed the relationship, someone blames partner or yourself using the infamous “it’s not you, it’s me.” Someone says that “love lives three years”. Or, sometimes, meeting with an old friend after a long separation – and discover what to talk about, something gone out of the relationship.
Rare to see two elderly people that go together and you feel they gently and tenderly relate to each other.
More often different: feelings gradually fade and are washed away from the soul, leaving only the habit, fatigue, or loneliness.
How happy people manage to maintain not just relationships, but intimacy? How do it creates intimacy in a relationship? After all, in the beginning of it was not, it is born gradually from experience. Taught a long close relationship?
For a start, they are taught that such intimacy. Intimacy is the possibility of deep emotional involvement in the relationship while keeping your own “I” contact with their needs, emotions, thoughts and freedom of expression in relationships.
Lesson one. The distance may be different
The proximity between the two extremes merge and alienation. In fusion I can have the exciting experience of warmth and security, but I’m losing touch with my feelings, because “I am you, you are me”.
In the name of the illusion of complete unity sacrificed everything he can to break it, – our needs or emotions that are contrary to the needs and emotions of the partner. The end result of the merge is boredom and loss of freedom.
Alienation, the other pole is the preservation of the sense of freedom, his “I”, but… in the absence of a deep emotional relationship with another person. We maintain superficial contacts, but if there is a risk of sinking into feelings of escape or repel a partner because they are afraid to lose freedom. We are not able to save her, when psychological distance is reduced.
Intimacy is a kind of dance between the two poles, the ability to adjust the distance.
Sometimes I want to hug each other and forget that we are different. Or a long long walk, holding hands.
But sometimes want to be alone, alone with yourself, and then let go of my arm and some time away. The recognition of this surge, this shift distance is an important precondition of a close relationship.
This is normal and natural – sometimes to retire and move away, have their own interests, not connected with a life partner. Intimacy is lost, if you desire absolutely everyone to share with others – or when the split is absolutely nothing.
The lesson of the second. We have no right to demand that the other has changed
Another important lesson of the near – rejection of attempts to change the partner. We can only ask about something, but does not require that a friend or loved one was to others. Failure to adapt to change for one partner may perceive as disrespect or rejection – but the disrespect is just the requirement to “become other, become better, become like me.”
This lesson is hard for one reason: we are not yet able to take ourselves as far from ideal, absurd, irrational (the list is endless), we won’t be able to take another. Every war with others is a reflection of the internal war with himself for a better version of yourself.
Lesson three. Other people’s feelings is always valuable
Even the proximity teaches us to recognize the value of all of the experiences and feelings of the partner, even if you do not share them. “Do not worry over trifles” “this is nonsense”, “why you bitch”, “you have to be calm” and so on and so forth – we have all heard a lot of words devalues feelings. But if a loved one is experiencing – so for him it is not nothing. Popytka to deny his feelings is a good step in the direction of the relationship breakup.
Men often are afraid of strong negative emotions. It seems that such emotions lead to the extinction of all attachment. But the attachment is the belief that our words, actions, emotions may not like the partner, but it does not become a threat to the relationship.
The main question of attachment: are you with me?
Even when you’re mad at me – you still with me? You can handle my anger, my shame, my grief, my anguish or my joy? Be there or run away in the computer to work, to alcohol, to children, to friends, to beloved?
If we are close, then whatever happens between us, we have the courage to see each other and talk about what is really happening in our relationship. Yes, we can be mad at each other – but not to humiliate each other. Because we stay close together.
What do you need? Over time it becomes clear that the condition of proximity with another person is a warm, supportive, intimate relationship with himself. Our relationships with others is a reflection of what is happening within ourselves.