The continuation of the article “”
How to break up – we were not taught. If opened such courses, they would be wildly popular, because life is full of partings: big and small, unexpected and natural, fatal and temporary. It is dynamic, we change, the world changes around us. Every moment we part with the previous one.
As one of the characters max Frye: “Everything is always leaving forever. Instead we returned by someone else…” But this does not mean that the breakup is bad. Parting is not always separation. Separation it becomes when the relationship is not complete when the feelings are still there.
If the separation is experienced as “separation”, then love has not yet passed, the significance of the relationship persists. Imagine: you got out of the taxi, paid and left with the driver. It is unlikely you perceive it as “separation” and experience: except if we have forgotten the smartphone.
Very often correct to get over a breakup prevents us from the illusion that separation can be painless. Parting with a significant person is always accompanied by the so-called “negative feelings”, and that’s OK. Because negative feelings do not happen: we announced those feelings that we hate to live and survive. But they are natural.
In modern society there was a very malicious script: escape from difficulties, attempt to avoid the pain. It is the “any cost”, here is the distribution of dependencies – from drug addiction to Internet addiction: “to prick and be forgotten”, in the words of Vladimir Vysotsky. We can be called the “society of enjoyment”, and the motto to declare Relsy! So it fails the natural programs, even childbirth: caesarean sections done without medical indications, because the mother “so comfortable.”
In the “society for the avoidance of difficulties” negative phase experiences of separation slips. But without it, we cannot achieve the positive phase of adoption. The only way to get over a breakup is not to avoid pain, go through it and not get stuck.
STAGE EXPERIENCES THE BREAKUP
Harbingers of separation and denial
The more surprising breakup, the stronger the shock and denial. The mind does not have time to get used to the idea. In the case of sudden death of the deceased for some time continue to speak in the present tense. When there are harbingers of separation, the indirect signals, the psyche easily – she has time to adapt to changing situations. Although the early stages may start ignoring.
Husband of Alena began to close when its window appears in the Internet, entered passwords. He stayed “at work” till late, sometimes slept there. Estranged from his wife, including sexually. The smell of female perfume from clothes, he explained that the office is crowded and at the next table sits an employee, which loves to wear. Alain believed anything, even that trace of lipstick on his shirt was “known as”. She ignored the obvious signals because I didn’t want to believe in treason. The message about caring for another woman was a great surprise for her, and it was too late to change something: the mistress was pregnant and soon became his new wife.
Harbingers of a breakup is painful to know, but they contain an important message: warn that something goes wrong, the situation is changing. And then they allow time to react to changes.
Awareness of the problem
Painful, accompanied by a range of feelings: anxiety, frustration, resentment (address or at fate in General). If not afraid of his feelings, not run away to the previous stage of “denial”, that awareness becomes useful. As the saying goes, “forewarned is forearmed”. And then the possible transition to the next stage.
The choice and decision
At this stage the question arises, what should we do: to fight for the relationship or go for separation. To fight for the relationship is impossible in only one case – death. If the person is alive, there is a chance to save the relationship with him. There are psychological hypothesis that the decision about the separation is not unilateral, it is always a pleasure, even if it’s not obvious. While relationships are valuable, fight for the loved one continues. Loss of relationships – unconscious surrender due to lack of interest, avoidance of competition or for any other reason.
Michael announced to his wife that he has another woman and he goes to her. For my wife it was a tragedy, but she’s fine. And Michael, moved to the lover, realized that really didn’t want to leave his wife, and to stir up feelings, to change something in the relationship (he lacked respect). And he accused her that she “did not fight for their marriage”.
The accommodation of the senses
When the decision is made and the breakup happened, we go mental level to the emotional. Guests come feelings: anger, fear, etc. It is important not to be scared of them, not to escape, but to live and survive. Make time for your emotional state. Give yourself the opportunity to cry, to turn to friends for support, maybe start a diary and describe their feelings. At this stage it is important to keep the pain, because the retained in the body feelings can lead to ailments. But this does not mean that feelings should be expressed immediately and directly to whom they are addressed. You can have a notebook “unsent letters” to Express all what you want to say. In the letters, most likely, will alternate the negative (“You are my whole life ruined(a)!”) and positive (“Sometimes I miss you”).
Give yourself time on the mountain, after all, a breakup is always a loss. Dedicate time to staying his own grief to realize that you can highlight a special day (or even one) when you remember the past, view photos and so on.
In this phase, try less to be alone. When a number of us someone, it is easier for us. Not necessarily even to talk to: your best friend may just be near you. The experiments of the physicists showed that particles even behave differently if you look at them. So the presence of someone and we are having a “magical” effect.
It is important not to play with indifference: “three days I jumped up to you to tell you I do not care!” (Grigory Gorin, “an Ordinary miracle”). Attempts to quickly end this phase lead to the opposite effect – to the jam.
Initially you will be dominated by painful feelings, negative memories. But as their stay will begin to remember and good. Before dawn gathering twilight, don’t despair!
Gradually, the door to the past will begin to close. Sometimes there may be “relapses”: a haunting desire to call the “former” and the other, but over time these moments will come less and less.
Do not expect complete indifference, it can only be to strangers – to those who did not become “his”. The memory of the breakup will always be emotional, only in the ideal small: it may be slight sadness, nostalgia. Even the warmth and joy from the good things that happened. The joy and gratitude that this meeting was once held, even if the relationship ended. Because there is no “unrequited love”, it is “unrequited”. For happiness only one person – yourself. And the second is necessary to your happiness to share.
WHAT WENT WRONG?
The authors of the famous online WotWentWrong (“What went wrong?”) found out what causes often lead to breakups. The most popular among men (15%) was the response “I’m not ready for a serious relationship”, but women (14%) are the initiators of tears because “met someone else”. Among other reasons the survey revealed frequent quarrels, financial disagreements and infidelity. While psychologists say that more delicately in a breakup, women are acting, trying to soften the blow to the feelings of the partner.